Ciao >>> My name is nicki and i am 16 years old but i sure as heck know a darn sight more than your average 16 year old teenager. To start with i suppose i must sort of semi promise not to use bad language on here although on occasions i may slip up. i won't apologise beforehand because as those who know me well, are aware that i do not 'do' apologies. Why should i apologise for being who i am when its the hellish life that has made me this way? i am sure as you read my part in this shitty life you will excuse me for the occasional slip up.
i will 'fess up from the start that i am a lesbian and i ain't afraid to admit it. i lurve women but loathe men simple as that! Unfortunately having to share a body has its downfalls especially when the self is so obsessed with appearing "normal". And oh boy has there been some disastrous bisexual relationships over the years but will tell all later!
So my first memory? Early September of 1982 i arrived and from the start i craved alcohol. This i later learned was the result of the so called step father plying the body with booze so that it ( the body) would respond to him. S'cuse me while i chuck up!! i am still very much an alcoholic simply because nobody has ever helped me to recover from this insatiable need. Truth be known i need a drink to be able to write this out > thats my excuse anyway and i am sticking to it!
Straight away i 'knew' what my purpose was, what i had to do. We needed money and we needed it fast! The information that had been 'passed' to me was not a great deal but i did know that the one thing the body was used to doing was 'performing' sexually for men. There you have it in a nutshell. nicki the call girl/ hooker/pro what ever name you prefer. Yes i am ashamed of my past doings but at that time it was what had to be done.
tara and kate arrived shortly after me and tara was/is the temptress. The one thing i loathed doing was turning the sleazy guys on (still do) > i hated that so tara dealt with it and i just did the sex thing. kate miss goody two shoes is the one who got us out of fixes or tried to at least > when we would listen to her!
Our usual 'haunt' was in the town centre. We would hang out at the doorways to the pubs and clubs and tara would accost any single male that went through the door. Most nights we successfully picked up at least half a dozen sleaze bags who wanted a 'quickie'.Payment was dependant on how far they wanted to go > usually a quick blow job cost them a couple of bottles of spirits, and if they wanted the full works then it was hard cash.
i ALWAYS insisted on protection because i knew the risks of multiple sexual 'partners'. How did i know? your guess is as good as mine > i just knew!
Apparently the so called parents, the stepfather in particular had said that once the self was 16 he didn't want to know and she was on her own. Uh Oh not so! The threats started soon after i arrived. He said he had 'friends' watching and if we stepped out of line kneecaps would be broken. He threatened to put us in a wheelchair for life.
i suppose that was why the self rarely made an appearance during the next couple of years and when she did she was hell bent on dying.
What i find strange i suppose thinking back > IF he had people watching us then why the hell didn't he know about our late night activities? Not something we could 'see' at the time though, the fear inside was too great > the fear of what he may or may not have done to us. We constantly looked over our shoulder,panicked if a car drove by too slowly,feared the men we picked up incase they were one of the 'friends'. The need for money and booze was too strong though > we had to take risks.
ella had enroled us on a course at the local college so during the day we played at being 'good' girls, studying and such like but come evening we switched into survival mode. Yes it was survival for us despite the risks and the drawbacks, it was our ONLY way of surviving. ella and kayleigh dealt with the 'boring' college stuff with the self appearing occasionally. Oddly enough it was during the year at college that one of the tutors gave us the book "When Rabbit Howls" the story of Trudi chase and the troops. Maybe that tutor had spotted something? who knows? Bit of a coincidence though ain't it that somebody would just hand you a book about someone with multiple personalities?
Answers on a postcard please!
During the year at college we were given work experience placements and they were chosen so that all of us could have some 'enjoyment'. The first placement was at a childrens' nursery and we were there for six weeks. The younger ones loved it simply because they were able to learn what a normal childhood was like. They could get away with 'playing' because it was part of the job and nobody ever questioned the childlike behaviour. The second placement was on a farm > hummmmm never could quite understand that one seeing as almost all of the bad stuff had happened on a farm. It kept the lads happy though and of course being able to drive a tractor was a bonus which tash was able to help out with. Believe it or not i do not know how to drive, never wanted to! Our third placement was a pet shop which us older ones quite enjoyed as did the self. It was actually quite nice to communicate with general public and kayleigh especially was in her element because she was in charge of handling money. i MUST say here that despite our desperation we NEVER ever considered stealing money. That is something that none of us would ever do is steal. i sp'ose the childhood instilled that into the mind > anything we require HAS to be earned. Nothing is given freely! Even now most of us 'fear' gifts of any kind because we haven't 'earned' them. Nobody gives anything for free!
About half way through the college year we moved house. Whilst packing everything away we discovered a drawer full of letters written between the mother and the guy who we think is the natural father. Sadly during the move they all disappeared > bloody typical > bagging everything up in black bags > good stuff and rubbish! And yea the most important bag of all got lumped in with the garbage. Anyway we moved to a smaller house about six or seven miles away from the childhood home.
During that year and the following two years the wish to die was extremely strong. Desi played a huge part in it as did myself, ella, caitlin and tash. The self had virtually given up on life as well by that point and her wish to die was what urged us on. Every other week we would be at the hospital being stitched up after intense cutting sessions and twice ella cut the wrists. We were admitted on numerous occasions following overdoses and on the self's 18th birthday we jumped off a multi storey car park.
Despite all of these attempts to end the life nobody but nobody ever asked us why?
Only once were we referred to a psychiatrist and all he did was sit at the other side of the desk wagging his finger at us. I just wanted to jump across and smack him but got held back by the others. Bloody hell they never let me have any fun! Anyway that psych doctor sent us away following a good 'talking to' and told us that we were 'very silly' to keep on swallowing pills!! Why did we do it? he asked > because we want to die of course. His response? "you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you now stop being a silly girl and go and enjoy life". We were back in the hospital within two weeks having the stomach pumped out again.
As the college year was coming to an end the tutors tried to convince us to enrol on another course but we had other ideas. We insisted that we would get a paid job. The college people didn't think that we would. Ha we had the last f***ing laugh though because kayleigh applied for and landed us the first job she found. The job that kayleigh had landed for us was a real drag, bloody place it was. It was basically three shops rolled into one that sold everything from penny sweets to mops and buckets. It was about five miles from our home so i got us a bike instead of having to bloody well walk all the time!!! The shop was close to a school so we had loads of kids coming in for 'penny mixtures'. The boss was a tight fisted git and even charged us for drinking his coffee! We'd been there just over a week when i got us a job at the local pet shop. It was a battle to convince the owners husband that we were suitable for the job because it involved carrying sacks of animal feed and he thought the job should go to a lad. Bloody male chauvinist pig! We convinced them though and after giving a weeks notice at the other place we started work at the pet shop. We really enjoyed that job > while it lasted. Sadly we were 'sacked' following one of the numerous overdoses. The owners husband thought we were to 'risky' to employ! Asshole!!!!!! During the few months we were working there a young lad,Tim latched onto us. He would come in and help us in the shop on weekends when the boss had time off. Tim was to become a good friend over the years and we did disclose a few personal home truths to him but never came clean about our existence and although he remained a good friend there was never any 'romance' between us.
For the next twelve months or so we survived on my night time 'employment'.we were drinking more and more, needing more alcohol just to get through each day and by the time the self turned 18 we were drinking two bottles of whisky a day. We would whilst under the influence play dare amongst ourselves. Walking in the central reservation of the local dual carriageway daring ourselves to jump under the wheels of a passing wagon. We never did pluck up the courage to do it > we were always concerned that innocent people would get injured as well. So i sp'ose there must have been some 'goodness' in us even then.
We had a few dodgy 'punters' during that year, two of whom raped us and beat us quite badly. We were used to the occasionally 'rough' sex and the odd punch in the mouth but those two went way further. They didn't want to 'pay' full price but wanted the full works. One guy insisted we went to his room, which was a grotty place in a large house > student type accommodation i . He seemed nice enough, tara had worked her spell on him although kate was niggling in the background about how risky it was going back to his. We usually went down a dark alley, behind the shops in town or even into the pubs/clubs toilets where we knew if we screamed loud enough someone might hear IF ever there was a problem. So this guy, as soon as ever we got into his room he changed from 'mr nice guy'. Have to tell you it scared the hell out of the little ones inside because he reminded them of the father. i personally didn't see the similarity simply because i didn't know what the father was like. Hadn't even 'met' the bastard at that point, only knew what i had been 'told'.
This guy 'paid' up front a bottle of whisky which i soon knocked back, and he had promised a further bottle for a good blow job. Hey something i was an expert at!!! Only trouble was part way through he decided he wanted full sex and i argued that it would cost him > bad mistake!! Not sure to this day if he actually knocked us unconscious but we had one hell of a black eye,split lip and plenty more besides. For about an hour he kept us there, raping us 'front and back' and refused to use any form of protection. He said he wanted to 'feel' natural. Bastard! When he'd had his fill he literally threw us in a heap outside the door, then threw our clothes out after us. It was around 2am we arrived back home, bruised, bloody and battered.
The following morning the grandmother asked about the bruising but we just said we'd got into a fight with some other girl. She always accepted that answer.
A few months down the line and i discovered that we were pregnant. It was following yet another failed overdose. i really tried to stay on the straight and narrow, managed to stay off the booze for a while because despite the way the child had been created it gave us a buzz feeling it growing inside. A tiny being who would love us unconditionally and we could love back without any risk of 'payment' being required.
The need for the booze was too strong though and following another bad punter who punched hell out of us, we yet again took an overdose. By that time we were coming up to 30 weeks in the pregnancy and the aftermath of the drink and drugs overdose resulted in us going into early labour. We were informed early on that there was no heartbeat but still had to go through the labour and eventual birth. A perfectly formed little girl who was whisked away and never seen again.
That was about the only time i felt emotional pain but i didn't show it. Tough old nicki NEVER cries, nothing bothers moi. Baby kai is my reminder of that stillborn child. Yes i created baby kai. i believe that verity has uploaded the letter i wrote to the child whose life i ended through my own stupidity. The guilt of that will always live with me.
Within 24 hours we were back up and acting like nothing untoward had happened. We bled for a couple of weeks which meant we had to insist on hand/blow jobs only. Despite what had happened we still needed the booze!
The self's 18th birthday arrived and our spirits were at an all time low. That morning in the post came a card and note from the f***face parents. "Happy 18th" we're still watching you! So it looked like he still wouldn't let up his role of terrorist. We had until that point really believed that once 18 came we would be finally free, not so.
We decided that there was no other way, we had to kill ourselves. Desi,myself,alana,abby,ella,caitlin and tash set about working out how to do it. We came up with a foolproof plan so we thought ( obviously it didn't work or i wouldn't be here now talking about it would i?). By around 9pm that evening we had drank almost three bottles of whisky and swallowed quite a few pills, then we went to a multi storey car park in town. We went up on the top storey and had a battle of who was going to do the 'jump'. tash got the 'job' and over we went. Someone somewhere must really hate us because we f***ing well survived it!! Logically i suppose it was because of all the alcohol,supposedly it relaxes the body so we didn't land as hard as we should have done if that makes sense. The great thing was that we didn't feel any pain, we were just so damn angry that we were still alive. This couple walked past a short while later and called an ambulance and we were taken up to the A&E.
After hours of sitting there, having x rays and shit we were taken back home as they said there was no damage. Funny how we couldn't even stand on the feet though isn't it? We actually had to crawl up the stairs on our knees to get to bed.!! The next morning we were shouted down, there was two police officers at the door and they had been sent by the hospital to bring us back in > apparently something had been missed on the x rays.
Turned out we'd fractured both ankles and chipped a bone in the spine!!
We ended up with one leg in plaster and this stupid contraption on the back. It was a huge elasto bandage that was pulled over us from the chest down and the back of it was set in plaster cast, pollyfilla shit. For 24 hours we had to lay on our front with a fan blowing on us to dry the plaster out!!
Charly dealt with the hospital crap > she's the only one who can deal with that. Bloody hospitals make us want to puke! Hey and guess what? Despite our injuries and how we had come about them, nobody asked why. We had to see a hospital social worker but that was about it. Once we were released we saw nobody.
We had the casts on for six weeks and during that time we were being plagued by the parents as usual. The shit they kept coming up with was unbelievable. Threats were coming by the dozen especially after they heard what we had done > maybe the f***ing bastard thought we might be about to tell tales on him? We all became fearful of going out of the house incase someone was waiting to 'do us over'.
In the local paper there was an advert in the jobs section > "Kennel maid wanted, live in position". The self actually rang up about it and in January of 1987 we said our goodbyes and disappeared. The kennels were in a remote village about 20- 25 miles away from the grandmothers home. We didn't tell her where we were going, didn't tell anyone because we thought that we could finally escape from the parents clutches. After a month of being at the kennels the owner agree to us changing our surname by deed poll to hers.
We occasionally made visits to the grandmother to make sure she was doing okay. The kennel owner Jan would drop us off a distance from the house then would meet us an hour or so later.
The kennels were brilliant for most of us. The only downside of our time there was Jan's husband who was an alcoholic. The good side of that was there was always plenty of drink in the house but her husband became violent on occasions and Jan would often go out visiting friends and leave us with him. A few times she had gone out without saying where she was going and her husband would arrive back in from the pub and start having a go at us.
One particular night he was really wound up and started having a go so we retaliated. Alana jumped in full force yelling at him and threw his bottle of wine onto the floor > OOPS> bad mistake!!! The self was actually present when he grabbed us round the neck and tried to strangle us. Thankfully because he was so drunk we were able to push him off and we ended up barricading ourselves into the bedroom. The next day apart from the bruises round our neck there was nothing to show anything untoward had happened. He certainly didn't remember it. As is our habit we chose to forget it had happened and continued living there for some time.
For about 12 months we were safe but then one day a car pulled up outside and i had my first glimpse of the asshole stepfather and his measly bitch of a wife. Can you tell i was not impressed? He told us to get in the car and of course those inners who knew we had to obey did as he said. He then let rip, said that we couldn't escape him, that even though we tried to hide he still found us. i told him to f*** off which landed us a good smack across the head and then our little tash promptly jumped in to save the day. Silly little sod at times, i love her to bits but that day all she did was grovel and apologise for us all. S'cuse me while i go puke again!!!!
Jan invited them in but they refused thank god > but Jan's impression of them was that they seemed 'nice'! She didn't hear what the f***er said.
During our time there a few of us started to experience pain in the jaw and mouth. Twice we ended up in hospital ( thank you charly) having operations. The first one was to remove impacted wisdom teeth, the second operation was to 'pin' one side of our jaw as it was constantly clicking out of place and locking. Probably the result of years of being smacked across the side of the face by the bastard step father! It took an age to convince the doctors that there was a problem because several of us went along to the appointments and each of us gave different accounts of the pain.
After the visit from the f***faced parents we no longer felt safe there knowing that they could turn up at any given time. Things were starting to break down between Jan and the self. Jan couldn't keep up with our emotional outbursts, she couldn't understand how we could switch from being calm and several to raging angry within a few short minutes. Obviously she didn't understand that there were many of us and we weren't about to tell her.
Across the fields from the kennels a local business man opened up a riding stables and we became friends with Jacqs who ran the stables for him. It was Jacqs who helped with our 'escape' from there. She had a sister who took in the occasional lodger and it was set up that Jacq's eldest daughter and her boyfriend would come to the kennels and collect us, then take us to Barbra's house. We didn't tell Jan what we were planning simply because we knew there would be an argument. She didn't find out until a few hours before we were being collected. The only bad thing was that we had to leave our little dog there with the puppy that we had kept from her litter some months earlier. The only reason we left them behind was because we didn't know if Barbra would welcome two dogs as well even though they were only small yorkshire terriers.
Thankfully we were able to return and collect the dogs a few days later but had to pay Jan for food, injections etc that they had received during our time there. Bitch > after all the months we had worked here for peanuts, practically kept her kennels running while she went off visiting friends,. put up with her violent drunk of a husband and she had the nerve to demand money from us!!! We left there on the self's 20th birthday. Barbra's household was manic to say the least. She had three kids under 10 and a teenage son, was twice divorced, had a boyfriend just five years older than her eldest son, and numerous dogs and cats running about the house. Despite all of this the household was very relaxed and laid back. Found out why a few days after we moved in. They were heavily into drugs and although the self refused to 'try' it, i certainly jumped at the chance and before long we were smoking cannabis, and doing ecstasy along with the others who visited the house.
We were there for about four months and often ended up sleeping with a different guy each night. It all depended on who 'stayed over'.Our life there was totally different than anything we had experienced before. We would be up most of the night, asleep most of the day, eating whenever we thought about it and just smoking pot and taking E's. Yeah it was fun!! But fun always has to end doesn't it?
The self had decided to go and visit the grandmother and who should be there but the f***face parents. How the f**ing hell it happened i don't know to this day but somehow they managed to persuade the self to travel back to 'good ole Cymri' with them and live back there. Stupid bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!