Our present day worries, fears, triumphs, etc
Our biggest fear at the moment is that we will "lose" our counsellor. The CPN wishes us to be seen by a psychologist, however, in order for that to happen we cannot be seeing our current counsellor. The CPN refuses to acknowledge that we exist, she seems to think that there must be a medical reason for the blanks/ missing time that we experience on a daily basis. Go along to the GP and he will sort the "problem" out!!!!!
There is to be a meeting on 11th August.
We aren't quite sure what the purpose of this meeting is, all that we know is that our counsellor, her co worker, the CPN, support worker and the MH doc are to be present. We have been asked to attend but it is not something that we want. We refuse to sit there and be discussed like some sort of "freak".
We have little faith in the Mental Health "system" and problems that we have come up against over the past 12 months have reduced our faith even more.
A perfect example of our so called "caring" MH system ~ some months ago we went into crisis, the self harming increased as did the drinking. The self had sort of promised the CPN that should we reach that level of crisis we would ring the MH clinic which is "manned" 24 hours a day. We rang and the response we got ? "Well if you are going to self harm or drink yourself into a stupor, you will do it regardless of whether you speak to us or not" ~ Doesn't give you much faith does it? There have been other incidences along the way and we have now reached the stage that no matter how desperate we are we refuse to ring them.
When all is said and done, we have nobody who truly cares about us. They say the words, make the gestures but as soon as we really need them they do not want to know. We are alone just as we always have been, alone with our memories, our pain, our fears so i really have to ask the question ~ What the Hell is the point of going on?
Verity
So the meeting went ahead as planned. DO we know what the outcome was? Nope, other than a brief email from the counsellor going over the points that were discussed. Apparantly the MH doc is going to look into having us officially diagnosed WOW!!! So if we are 'officially' diagnosed or stamped on our butt does that mean that things will be different? That we will suddenly be treated with the respect that we deserve? Going on past experiences we doubt it very much.
In a conversation with a fellow DID'er recently, she told of her 'problems' being accepted. Her CPN said that DID does not exist here in the UK, it is an american thing!!! Can you believe that? So perhaps we need to adopt an american accent, forge our documents and claim to be US citizens then Hell maybe they will accept here? Personally i don't think anything will change and if the self has anything to do with it life will become even more intolerable.
There is so much going on here and we are being ignored,our wants are being ignored as per usual.Nobody is listening to us, nobody is helping us. All they are doing is listening to the self's rabid rantings and taking whatever she says as final. What about us??
We cannot share what is happening at this moment simply because we feel if we voice it then it will happen.As long as we keep on fighting then there is a chance. As of last week we no longer have our counsellor because the self decided that she was not going to continue seeing her. What about us? We do not want to stop seeing her, even though if i'm honest i don't rightly trust her but as they say 'better the devil you know' (sorry Anne) it's how i feel and i do believe we have reached a truce have we not? Only you KNOW what the outcome will be if she goes ahead with this idiotic plan of hers.
The self is hotly denying us again, claims we don't exist and unfortunately for us we still have a long way to go before 'co consciousness' is reached, therefore we cannot communicate with the self. So you see even now we still have problems being heard but this time round its the self who will not hear us and acknowledge us.
caitlin
We are still battling away getting thorugh each day as it comes. The one minor light on the horizon was that we saw the counsellor last week. We inside were working doubly hard to be noticed and even went as far as making the self 'see' flashes of what happened. We were so successful that welts appeared on the wrists, a reminder of the bad old days. Things are not as they appear to be, we are struggling to survive and nobody is taking the slightest notice.
Hi this is charly and i thought i should just write and say that we are sorry we havent added much to this website over the last few days but things are really hard right now. we so want to get all this garbage out in the open and we will do but we need a few days to recover from all that is going on. And as we are writing our memories down it hurts us quite a lot so we have to have time out for a bit to get over the hurting.
Thank you for reading our life and i am glad verity made this site for us to finally tell all
bye for now
charly xx
Hi All, this is Caitlin. Just want to apologise for not updating our site for the past week or so but we have had a nightmare with new medication that the self was prescribed. Usually we do not all suffer the effects but this time it knocked us all for six and basically caused utter mayhem within. We shall be back as soon as possible to continue sharing our lives. Until then please stay well each and every one of you,
best wishes
caitlin
Thank you for reading our life and i am glad verity made this site for us to finally tell all
bye for now
charly xx
Hi All, this is Caitlin. Just want to apologise for not updating our site for the past week or so but we have had a nightmare with new medication that the self was prescribed. Usually we do not all suffer the effects but this time it knocked us all for six and basically caused utter mayhem within. We shall be back as soon as possible to continue sharing our lives. Until then please stay well each and every one of you,
best wishes
caitlin
December 4th 2006
Hello all,
First we must apologise for not updating our site for some time. Things have been rather hectic on the home front, lots of things happening and also a lot of internal conflicts. Everything is slowly starting to settle down now so all being well we shall recommence building our site very soon.
The main occurrences of late are that we have FINALLY been acknowledged by our Psych doctor. Although DID has not been officially diagnosed or stated as fact we now have the 'label' of a "personality disorder and Dissociation". Still a way to go but its a damn sight better than the 'depression/anxiety' label previously given.
We have also enlisted the help of an advocate ( or as the younger ones call him, the AVACADO) who has been a great help by attending our appointments with us and speaking with the Psych doctor on our behalf. He accepted us from the onset and even spent time researching help/information available here in the Uk!
The other 'major' event in our lives recently is the meeting up of our new friend Anne (yes she has the same name as our counselor, which can be very confusing!) Anne is also DID and lives just under 100 miles from us. She has been to visit on several occasions and we even made the journey to visit her recently which was a huge triumph for us as we do not venture very far as a rule.
Having a true friend who actually understands/accepts and knows exactly how our lives are has been the most uplifting experience imaginable for us. Admittedly it hasn't been a smooth ride due to our lack of trust where people are concerned and also because we simply do not understand the logistics of friendship as we have never allowed people into our 'real' world before.
The first weekend Anne spent here was extremely interesting because during the early hours of the morning our rebellious nicki and Annes' rebelllious Sam got together and dyed their hair red! Unfortunately because Anne is blonde her hair went pink and she was not amused! The self was not overly impressed either but luckily it was only a semi permanent color which washed out over a few weeks.This was the least of her worries though!
A few weekends ago Anne was here again and for the entire weekend the self was AWOL. Yikes! Our nicki has wanted a tattoo for a long time and that weekend she persuaded Anne to go along to the tattoo parlor and Yes she got her tattoo. If i say so myself it is a very nice one of a Unicorn in black at the top of the left arm.The same weekend nicki decided to dye the hair PURPLE with the help of our friend Anne! i really cannot repeat what was said on the Monday morning when the self discovered these but i can assure you that the air was extremely blue! Now the downside of nicki's tattoo is that several of the others have decided that they too would like one, so we could well end up with more including an angel (shaylee jade), a tribal rebel sign (nicki) and a leprachaun (charly). Watch this space!!!
On the darker side there has been a great deal of distress amongst our system with ella becoming extremely suicidal, several of the others have been self harming and nicki went into major crisis late last week which resulted in her driving the car over the very remote and bleak 'Blackshaw moors' in the early hours . This had serious repercussions when the car decided to die a death and nicki had left the mobile phone back at the house. We finally returned to the house late afternoon and the body developed a very bad dose of flu and a chest infection.
Well i think that basically brings us up to date for now. Obviously there have been other events but i have covered the more important ones tonight just to let everyone know where we are at. We shall be back very soon
Thank you everyone who has read our site and also those who have been kind enough to sign our guest book.
Best wishes
caitlin
First we must apologise for not updating our site for some time. Things have been rather hectic on the home front, lots of things happening and also a lot of internal conflicts. Everything is slowly starting to settle down now so all being well we shall recommence building our site very soon.
The main occurrences of late are that we have FINALLY been acknowledged by our Psych doctor. Although DID has not been officially diagnosed or stated as fact we now have the 'label' of a "personality disorder and Dissociation". Still a way to go but its a damn sight better than the 'depression/anxiety' label previously given.
We have also enlisted the help of an advocate ( or as the younger ones call him, the AVACADO) who has been a great help by attending our appointments with us and speaking with the Psych doctor on our behalf. He accepted us from the onset and even spent time researching help/information available here in the Uk!
The other 'major' event in our lives recently is the meeting up of our new friend Anne (yes she has the same name as our counselor, which can be very confusing!) Anne is also DID and lives just under 100 miles from us. She has been to visit on several occasions and we even made the journey to visit her recently which was a huge triumph for us as we do not venture very far as a rule.
Having a true friend who actually understands/accepts and knows exactly how our lives are has been the most uplifting experience imaginable for us. Admittedly it hasn't been a smooth ride due to our lack of trust where people are concerned and also because we simply do not understand the logistics of friendship as we have never allowed people into our 'real' world before.
The first weekend Anne spent here was extremely interesting because during the early hours of the morning our rebellious nicki and Annes' rebelllious Sam got together and dyed their hair red! Unfortunately because Anne is blonde her hair went pink and she was not amused! The self was not overly impressed either but luckily it was only a semi permanent color which washed out over a few weeks.This was the least of her worries though!
A few weekends ago Anne was here again and for the entire weekend the self was AWOL. Yikes! Our nicki has wanted a tattoo for a long time and that weekend she persuaded Anne to go along to the tattoo parlor and Yes she got her tattoo. If i say so myself it is a very nice one of a Unicorn in black at the top of the left arm.The same weekend nicki decided to dye the hair PURPLE with the help of our friend Anne! i really cannot repeat what was said on the Monday morning when the self discovered these but i can assure you that the air was extremely blue! Now the downside of nicki's tattoo is that several of the others have decided that they too would like one, so we could well end up with more including an angel (shaylee jade), a tribal rebel sign (nicki) and a leprachaun (charly). Watch this space!!!
On the darker side there has been a great deal of distress amongst our system with ella becoming extremely suicidal, several of the others have been self harming and nicki went into major crisis late last week which resulted in her driving the car over the very remote and bleak 'Blackshaw moors' in the early hours . This had serious repercussions when the car decided to die a death and nicki had left the mobile phone back at the house. We finally returned to the house late afternoon and the body developed a very bad dose of flu and a chest infection.
Well i think that basically brings us up to date for now. Obviously there have been other events but i have covered the more important ones tonight just to let everyone know where we are at. We shall be back very soon
Thank you everyone who has read our site and also those who have been kind enough to sign our guest book.
Best wishes
caitlin
April 2007
Hello All,
Our sincere apologies for not updating our site for several months. Life has a habit of passing us by at an incredible rate of knots! It is hard to believe that a quarter of this year has gone already.
we are still seeing our counsellor Anne but for a couple of months now we have been struggling to move forward.
So what's new?
Things haven't been easy for the past few months, we are still seeing our counselor Anne but have hit a brick wall and have been unable to move forward. This is largely due to the resurface of dark memories for the younger ones and they are still too afraid to share these memories. Gradually they are gaining confidence in being around Anne and hopefully they soon will feel able to share with her.
Some months ago the friend Anne disappeared from our lives as suddenly as she arrived. One of her system told our 9 year old tash how to commit suicide in graphic detail.This resulted in several suicide attempts made by tash
The older ones of us were not impressed with this turn of events and told Anne et al in no uncertain terms. Rightly so (maybe) she told verity, desi and i that she personally could not be held responsible for something one of her others had said or done and then instead of trying to sort this situation out she actually blocked us from writing to her.
Verity and desi had written to her stating in no uncertain terms that what had happened really needed to be addressed. It was one thing discussing suicide with one of the older ones here but to give graphic details to a 9 year old???? Instead of sorting this out calmly, Anne blocked us all from having further contact with her.
nicki then found out that she had been writing on her "my space" site about us causing her problems during a visit to her home back in November. we were there for one night and everybody was on best behaviour. To our faces she said the visit had gone brilliantly yet then we find she was complaining and running us down behind our backs. Finally to cap it all we discovered that she had copied some of ella's work namely one of her verses onto her site without any mention that the work was not hers! When this was bought to her attention as well as the incident with tash it was at that point that Anne blocked all further contact.
This caused untold damage to our already fragile system because once again we had put our trust into someone only to have them stab us in the back. This also has had a knock on effect on our relationship with the counselor Anne. How can we possible trust her to remain loyal to us if someone who classes themselves as a 'friend' can hurt us so badly?
The sessions with the counselor have been difficult for some weeks now with a lot of to and fro ing amongst the system. In any one session there can be at least 20 personalities present which means that nothing solid is discussed. As i already said a lot of this is down to the younger ones and their inability to share their memories. We are hoping that having access to paper and crayons will help with this.
Our sincere apologies for not updating our site for several months. Life has a habit of passing us by at an incredible rate of knots! It is hard to believe that a quarter of this year has gone already.
we are still seeing our counsellor Anne but for a couple of months now we have been struggling to move forward.
So what's new?
Things haven't been easy for the past few months, we are still seeing our counselor Anne but have hit a brick wall and have been unable to move forward. This is largely due to the resurface of dark memories for the younger ones and they are still too afraid to share these memories. Gradually they are gaining confidence in being around Anne and hopefully they soon will feel able to share with her.
Some months ago the friend Anne disappeared from our lives as suddenly as she arrived. One of her system told our 9 year old tash how to commit suicide in graphic detail.This resulted in several suicide attempts made by tash
The older ones of us were not impressed with this turn of events and told Anne et al in no uncertain terms. Rightly so (maybe) she told verity, desi and i that she personally could not be held responsible for something one of her others had said or done and then instead of trying to sort this situation out she actually blocked us from writing to her.
Verity and desi had written to her stating in no uncertain terms that what had happened really needed to be addressed. It was one thing discussing suicide with one of the older ones here but to give graphic details to a 9 year old???? Instead of sorting this out calmly, Anne blocked us all from having further contact with her.
nicki then found out that she had been writing on her "my space" site about us causing her problems during a visit to her home back in November. we were there for one night and everybody was on best behaviour. To our faces she said the visit had gone brilliantly yet then we find she was complaining and running us down behind our backs. Finally to cap it all we discovered that she had copied some of ella's work namely one of her verses onto her site without any mention that the work was not hers! When this was bought to her attention as well as the incident with tash it was at that point that Anne blocked all further contact.
This caused untold damage to our already fragile system because once again we had put our trust into someone only to have them stab us in the back. This also has had a knock on effect on our relationship with the counselor Anne. How can we possible trust her to remain loyal to us if someone who classes themselves as a 'friend' can hurt us so badly?
The sessions with the counselor have been difficult for some weeks now with a lot of to and fro ing amongst the system. In any one session there can be at least 20 personalities present which means that nothing solid is discussed. As i already said a lot of this is down to the younger ones and their inability to share their memories. We are hoping that having access to paper and crayons will help with this.