DID Hidden voices within

                                                       

Hello, my name is Caitlin and i am one of the older ones in our family. Myself and Verity (who created this web site) are the only two who saw everything that happened. The first born child was only a few months of age when the abuse started and that was when the splintering of the mind began. Verity and i arrived simultaneously and we were both considerably older than the first born. We have never been able to explain the whys and wherefore's of this phenomenon but some of the alternate personalities are much older, some are younger,different gender, different race. Some aged along with the host child, others remained the age that they came into being whilst some have continued to age at the same rate as the host child. One of the mysteries of living with DID. One thing i would like to say here that although we describe ourselves as "alternate personalities" we really cannot abide this term. We prefer to be known as the 'inners' or as our counsellor so aptly nicknamed us 'The Borrowers;'.
Despite our "older" ages at the time the abuse began we did not fully understand what was happening, only that it was very wrong. We were never children in the true sense of the meaning
On this page myself and Verity shall relate the happenings of the first 10 years. The "self" is not the first born child as Verity explained in the introduction. The first born child is hidden away amongst us where she has remained since the age of 10 months.
To make it easier for people reading this, we shall refer to the "self" as the host child. She is the one who people know as S. I suppose you could say that she is the front leader of our family although over the years she hasn't always been the one present when dealing with outsiders. Where we refer to the "child" it will refer to us as a collective. I apologise if this is confusing, it isn't to us simply because it is our life.

caitlin.
*** Please note that the following will be totally unspoiled. There will be no **** to fill in the missing words, it will be written as it was. Therefore it could be a trigger to some people, so please read with caution.***

                                 



*** To make this easier to follow, i shall write in blue, Verity in lilac/pink***

This first section is what we have learned through other people.
The child was born in mid 1966 to an unmarried mother. Within a matter of days the mother deserted the child and "ran away" with a family of gypsies. The mother had met the gypsies when they set up camp near to the filling station where she was working. They filled her head with glorious stories of freedom, living on the road and travelling all over the country. The mother was 20 years of age. The child was left in the care of the maternal grandparents.
 I must add here that as we grew up the host child believed the grandmother to be "Mum" and whenever the mother was around she was simply described as a "friend of the family". It wasn't until the host child was nine years old that we learned the truth. Rather than complicate things any further we shall simply refer to the grandmother and the mother. Although we describe her as the "mother" there was never any mother/daughter bonding, she was simply the woman who gave birth to the child. Eight months went by before there was any word from the mother.
In the spring of 1967 she arrived back at her parents house with her gypsy friend in tow and they were to remain at the house for several months.
During those months the first born child would be left in their care whilst the grandfather was out at work and the grandmother out doing chores. Regularly the neighbours would hear the child screaming as if in pain and on numerous occasions they knocked on the door to see if there was a problem. The response they received was to basically "mind their own f***ing business". This information we came by recently on meeting up with the eldest child of the neighbours who was at that time in her early teens.
When the first born child was 9 months of age, myself and Verity emerged so everything we relate from here on in is factual as we remember it. During the following months the alternate personalities began to appear and they would increase rapidly over the following 16 years. The "host" child was born, the first born child we took away into our midst where she remains to this day.

During those few months the emergence of other personalities came about rapidly. The brat, squealer, fearful, mute, S1 & S2, lily and sibi all arrived to deal with what was happening to the host child's body. Most of them have remained pre verbal and in the baby like state with the exceptions of lily and sibi who aged along with the host child until she reached 3 years of age, Squealer aged up until 6 years.
Myself and caitlin never had to "deal" with any of the problems that arose, nor have we ever experienced emotional pain, fear or anxiety. We simply watched, listened, and took everything in as we still do to this day.

We came into being during the late spring of 1967 and from the onset we knew exactly what was happening, we just didn't have the knowledge of the words to explain. We knew what the gypsy friend was doing with his fingers whenever the host child had her diaper changed, we knew what the so called mother was doing when she held the host child still for him to perform his perverted habits. We saw the times that the host child was pushed across the room, pinned down on the floor, hung up midair by her hair, shut in the dark pantry, kicked and punched for crying,left to lie in wet and soiled diapers for hours at a time. Yes we saw it all but we felt nothing.
The body was constantly covered in bruises and the host child began to suffer from severe bouts of urine retention and urinary infections. She became afraid to perform the natural toilet functions because she quickly learned that to do so would result in pain or discomfort. The host child often disappeared for hours, sometimes days. Lily became the good "quiet" child that they wanted to have around, she never cried, never wet herself, never wriggled or squirmed. Thing was constantly in trouble because she did nothing but whine, squealer as her name implied did nothing but squeal and it was squealer who would attract the attention of the neighbours. Fearful was the personality who dealt with the darkness of the larder and she did nothing but cry whilst in there, but she cried quietly so as not to attract unwanted attention. S1 & S2 also took on this role and they are still afraid of darkness. This fear quickly passed to the host child and remains with her to this day., the result being that even now, many years later there always has to be a night light on.
In the early summer of 1967 the grandparents went out on a day trip leaving the host child in the care of  the mother and her 'friend'. For reasons unknown the child was extremely fretful that day as were we all. The mother very quickly became frustrated with the child and locked her in the larder but then decided to have some "fun" with her instead. The mother held the child's head between her knees and held her hands down whilst the mothers 'friend' stripped the body and started to insert pencils and his fingers into the child's private parts. The child was screaming, the other personalities were screaming and it quickly reached hysteria level which was when the neighbour once again knocked on the door expressing concern. The 'friend' answered the door and told the neighbour to f*** off and mind his own business.
By that time lily had taken over so the child was quiet again, they continued their 'game' of inserting objects inside of her. Because lily was not responding in any way they quickly tired of the game. They dressed the child and shut her in the bedroom until shortly before the grandparents arrived back. They complained bitterly that the child had been a 'nightmare' to deal with during the whole day, refusing to eat, drink or settle. There was no mention of the neighbour's appearance at the door.
During the early hours of the following day we heard the mother and her 'friend' steal out of the house and disappear into the night.

The next few years were relatively uneventful other than the death of the grandfather in 1969. He had been ill for some time and the grandmother  nursed him in the front bedroom of the house. That room smelled strongly of disinfectant and medicinal products.
The host child continued to suffer with urine infections and did not toilet train until her fourth year. As the child grew during those early years there were often comical moments for us, confusing moments for the grandmother. The host child was definitely left handed where as some of the other personalities favored the right hand. This caused many a confusion even in later years as other personalities emerged. It still causes confusion to this day.
The grandmother was exceptionally histrionic in her views of what was right and what was frowned upon and being left handed was something which was definitely frowned upon during those years. Each time the grandmother caught the child favoring her left hand she would insist she used her right hand, even going so far as to tie a mitten on her left hand to prevent her from using it. Depending on which personality was predominant at any given time the left handed versus right handed battle continued for many years. There was also the thumb sucking ~ the host child had never sucked her thumb yet some of the others did, likewise the bottle. I fear it must have been very confusing for the grandmother when the child who had been weaned off her bottle suddenly demanded it again or was caught with her thumb in the mouth.
During those years there was no mention of the mother or her friend and we became more relaxed as the time went by. It  was wishful thinking that we had heard the last of them.

In the early summer of 1971 everything changed. The mother and her friend who was by that time her husband returned to our home along with their two children, a 3 year old boy and 2 year old girl. They were no longer living on the road but had settled down to family life in a smallholding some 200 miles away. For reasons unknown they had decided to "reclaim" the child and have us live with them "to see how it worked out".The grandmother was not happy with this turn of events but there wasn't a great deal that she could do, after all her daughter was the child's mother.
And so we were taken out of our secure home and travelled miles away to a house in the middle of nowhere.
The smallholding was several miles down a narrow lane. There was a relatively large drive in front of the house and then six steps leading down into the property. The front door opened straight into the main living room, straight ahead was a door that led to the kitchen,and off from the kitchen was the small room which became our "prison" for almost 5 weeks.
If you went through another door out of the kitchen it led to the bathroom and another room that they classed as the "dining room" although there was never any eating done in that room during our time there. Going back into the living room there was a door which led to the stairs. This was where the "family" slept. We were never allowed up those stairs.

The room which was to be ours was very dark and smelled strongly of dust and dirt. Their children's toys were stored in there along with sacks of vegetables. Our bed was tucked up the far corner.
The first day we were there the mothers husband took us for a walk around the farm. It wasn't a large farm, just a few acres of land and a couple of cows and pigs and goats. They also had several dogs and cats which lived in the outbuildings. The one thing that stuck clearly in my mind was that there were no other properties within walking distance. This was to become a regular thing with that family over the years.
During those few weeks several more personalities emerged. sam aged 4 and boy aged 6 enjoyed the farm, loved to play with the animals, silent one aged 4 she was the one who kept quiet during the long hours of being shut inside that poky little room. They were quickly followed by j, jo, libbi, and merri all aged 5 years, tearful and bela  aged 6 years.

During the evenings the husband would insist that the child  sit on his knee whilst the 'family' watched television. His hand would constantly be under the bottom, poking, prodding, tickling, touching. If she squirmed he would yell to keep still and when one of the criers presented all hell would break loose and he would threaten us with a stick. Each night his hands/fingers would delve deeper under our panties.
After we had been there a few days the mother needed to go and do some shopping. She refused to take the host child because she "couldn't possibly cope with three children in  tow". Shortly after the mother had left, her husband asked the host child if she wanted to play a game. The husband took the host child outside into one of the farm buildings . He made the child remove all of our clothing. As he started to fondle the body j emerged and very quietly did everything he asked. He told her to suck his "lolly" (penis) and she obeyed.
I have to admit that it was quite an ordeal to watch. Growing up with the grandmother we had learned about dogs having puppies and how they 'made' the puppies so i suppose we were quite advanced in that department compared to many children. The husband became almost like one of those male dogs. His breathing was rapid, hands were all over the body. He got down onto his knees then pushed j down, wrenched our legs apart and tried to force his (penis) into our body. He continued pushing and poking his fingers inside trying to stretch us. He became almost manic in his need to get inside of us, grabbed a broom handle that was lying on the ground and tried to insert that instead. Anything to make more room for his manhood .The end result was that the body was torn and bleeding but that did not deter him in the least. When he realised that he was not going to be able to penetrate he instead grabbed the child's head and forced his (penis) into her mouth where he finally climaxed. It was libbi who promptly vomited all over him. This scenario was repeated on numerous occasions over the following weeks but the end result was always the same. Despite his many attempts he did not penetrate fully during those five weeks we were there. Afterwards the child was ordered to dress and then sent to her room. Tearful emerged sobbing bitterly.
The bleeding continued for several days and during this time the host child became severely withdrawn, jo and bella emerged as bed wetters, sam refused to eat, silent one refusing to sleep or talk , the host child refused to do anything other than sit quietly on the bed staring into space. This all resulted in punishment being doled out by both of the 'parents', the main punishment being sent to the bedroom for hours on end. This is probably why that room is burned into our memory so clearly.
The room is firmly imprinted in our memories and we can describe it as though we are sitting there today. I must add here that i find it remarkable that each of us can remember specific things in such clarity yet the host child has virtually no memory of those times.
The room ~ the bed was tiny and cramped, in fact it wasn't even a 'proper' bed, simply a few lengths of timber nailed together, the mattress was worn through in places and had dark stains all over it ~ these stains increased on a daily basis due to the consistent bedwetting. The door was over to the right of the bed and there was a tiny window to the left of the room. The bed was tucked up the furthest corner away from the door. In the corner opposite the bed was a large cupboard which was home to the children's toys and in the the other corner a smaller cupboard which held the vegetables. The room was extremely cool even though the sun was shining outside, because the room was at the back of the house and sheltered by a large tree the sunshine never gained entry to that room.
Eventually after five weeks the 'parents' decided enough was enough, the child was causing them ' too many problems'. The mother was sick to death of having to wash the bedding on a daily basis and the stress was affecting their two children, so in effect ' the brat had to go'!
At the beginning of August 1971, shortly before the host child's fifth birthday,we were quite literally dumped unceremoniously back onto the grandmothers doorstep. The mother took us to the door, dumped our clothes on the step, knocked on the door then got back into the car. As soon as ever the grandmother answered the door they drove off without a backward glance. Over the next few weeks squealer, and tearful were very predominant.
For weeks after the child was returned she would constantly wet the bed, have screaming episodes and would hide in fright whenever an adult came to the house. Depending on who was "out" she could switch from being calm, to being weepy, to being an angry young child within minutes. The grandmother couldn't understand what had caused the change and nobody could explain what had happened, nobody knew the words of what had happened and besides 'HE' had warned the child that bad things would happen if she told anyone. By that time myself and Verity could have explained but because our intelligence far outreached the host child's it would have probably caused further problems, and of course there was the downside that even if we did speak up, would anyone actually believe us? After all why on earth would a grown man do something like that to a small child?
About a week after we were returned an incident occurred with the eldest brother of one of our friends. The host child had been playing with her friend Andrew at his home further up the road from where we lived. Andrews' mother would often look after us for the grandmother if the neighbours eldest daughter was unavailable to 'babysit'.
It was time to go home and although the host child even at the age of 5 was fairly street wise and often walked to Andrews' house alone, his mother would not allow her to return home on her own. Shetold her eldest son Peter to take us home that day. As we were walking down the back entry leading to our house, Peter suddenly asked the child if she would like some sweets. Oh of course she would - what child wouldn't?  However she could only have them if she did something nice for him.
He led us behind the garages and then undid his trousers. He very gently took our face into his hands and pulled us towards him. There was an initial panic for the host child but without a second thought j took over and did what he was expecting. By the time the host child was five years old we were well versed in what men expected of us. Afterwards he took us home, gave out the sweets and made us swear "not to tell anyone". We already knew the golden rule of "not telling anyone". How quickly children learn the rules of 'life'. It was after this incident the seed was sown, the seed of guilt and blame. Surely it must have been something that we were doing wrong?
For almost a year it continued. Peter would always insist on taking us home and after a couple of weeks we would go behind the garages without him even telling us to.

During the host child's fifth year we started at the local primary school. This caused extreme stress throughout our system because none of the personalities nor the host child felt comfortable around adults, especially males.
Kayleigh came into being. From the beginning Kayleigh was an intelligent personality who learned rapidly. Within a few short weeks she had mastered the art of reading and writing. The host child spent very little time present at the school and although several of the others made occasional appearances it was usually Kayleigh who held the front seat.
During the first year at the Infant school there were incidences which resulted in the child being sent home. These incidences usually arose when either the host child or one of the others were present and a teacher came upon them too quickly. The results were always the same, the child would begin to scream hysterically and almost always lost control of the bladder. When the hysteria set it in was impossible for Kayleigh to step in and calm the situation, hence the child was returned home. We very quickly became an "outcast" amongst our peers because the child was so unpredictable. We were also viewed as a 'freak' because of our tendency to 'talk to ourselves' or blame someone else inside for any misdemeanours which occurred.
Raya, Jade and Fera emerged during the second school year. They held no fear of adults which meant things settled down somewhat. Kayleigh did the school work, raya, jade and fera made friends with the other children.

There was only one true friend that the host child maintained during those early years and that was Sarah. She started school the same day as us although we had already formed a friendship before school commenced. Sarah's parents fostered children who had had problems and  we were always made welcome in their home even if one of the others misbehaved. Sarah's mother made us a summer dress one year which myself and the host child simply adored but Kayleigh was not fond of it. It was made out of a yellow flowery fabric and had the most adorable puffed up short sleeves. I often wonder how on earth we could possibly have liked something so awfully gaudy because by the host child's seventh year the stronger tomboyish personalities led the way and dresses and skirts were a thing of the past.

During those early years many of the personalities got into innocent mischief as children do. There was the time when the host child spotted a litter of kittens in someone's front garden. The host child along with jade and fera decided that these kittens were in fact "lost" and the little ginger tom ended up being lifted through the gate and taken home. After lengthy questioning jade "confessed" over where the kitten had come from and the grandmother took us back to the house to make a formal apology. The owner was a lovely lady and she was happy for the kitten "Sammy" to remain with us. Over the years there were many other "lost and stray" animals bought back to the  house.
The host child and a girl friend who lived around the corner each had a Sindy doll. Where our Sindy was a normal straight forward doll, Julie's Sindy had flexible arms and legs and also bent at the waist. We decided that we preferred the "bendy" doll so one day the host child decided to swap the bodies over, and we were over joyed at this. Sadly it was soon discovered and Julie's mother came to our house to swap the dolls back over.
Living with multiple personalities does have it drawbacks. Although we are all part of a single being, each of the personalities have their own characteristics. A perfect example of this is with jade and fera the 7 year old twins. Both girls showed a tendency to be forceful, loud and on occasion aggressive towards their peers. There was an incident where we came upon some older boys tormenting a kitten that was hiding in bushes near to our home. Without a thought for safety jade and fera jumped straight in on the attack, lashing out, cussing and throwing punches at the boys who were at least two years older that the host child. During the scuffle the kitten managed to run away so the twins aggression served it's purpose and once the kitten was gone the fight ended. Other times we weren't so lucky.
Jade and Fera were also the two who decided that we could ride a two wheeled bicycle. We had never ridden a two wheeler, only the old tricycle that the grandmother had bought us from a second hand shop for the host child's fifth birthday. Our friend Sarah had a lovely bike, lots of purple and pinks and although jade and fera thought the colors were 'disgusting' they decided that they were going to ride it. All went well until the host child suddenly reappeared and straight over the handle bars we went. Aside from a lot of gravel scrapes we survived the fall intact.
The twins would often get us into bother with their violent outbursts and on one occasion they decided to cause a scene whilst we were in a neighbouring town some four miles from our home. The host child had asked for some sweets but the grandmother did not have enough money to buy them, the twins immediately retaliated by storming off. I still find it incredulous that we survived that day. The twins decided to head off home on foot and the route back to our home involved a steepish hill that had no pavement. Cars and buses drove past inches away from us. Survive we did though and the telling off we got when the grandmother caught up with us was extremely verbal but she never smacked us. In all the years we were with the grandmother she never laid a finger on us.

The host child was a cowardly being, she would shy away if people spoke to her and would never stick up for herself. This in itself was problematic enough without the added aggressive streaks of jade and fera. We soon became the target of bullying especially after we had moved up to the primary school.
The school was about a mile away from our home and we would walk there and back by ourselves. To reach the school we had to cross a large playing field and this was where the majority of the bullying took place. There was a group of boys around the same age as the host child and they would gang up on us, push us to the ground, pullour hair and call us names. A lot of the name calling was simply because the child had an older parent and no father present.
Usually the twins got involved in the fights but if the host child was present she would try and walk close to adults in the hopes that it would prevent the gang from attacking her. Instead the boys would treat it like a big joke whenever there were adults present. Most days the child would arrive at school or back home muddied, dishevelled and sporting bruises from where the boys had punched her. The same group of boys would often call at the house and stand outside throwing stones at the windows and shouting abuse through the letter box. Their nickname for the host child was "bastard child".
One morning we awoke feeling unwell and the grandmother deciding that we had a temperature called the doctor in. We were diagnosed with german measles and had to be kept out of school for several weeks even after the rash had gone. The downside to this was that we were unable to see our friend Sarah as her mother was pregnant.
When we returned to school the bullying restarted in earnest espesially as Sarah in her innocence had told the other children that we had been 'banned' from her house whilst we had been ill. This 'ban' caused further bullying and we were often called 'unclean'. In order to escape the bullies, we would feign illness in order to not attend school. On the days we had to attend school we would often sneak out early, if we ever arrived in the first place.
Near to our home was a huge expanse of waste ground that had several ponds, the locals called it the "Marl hole" and it was there that we would hide out when we should have been in school.
The grandmother became very complacent about the child's school attendance and quite often asked if we wanted to go in. If the answer was no then the grandmother did not force the issue.
We firmly believe that it was the grandmothers complacency that began the downward spiral that led to our lives being totally destroyed, that and the following year tash's wayward behaviour contributed also.                        
                                                                                                                                    

                                                                                                                                
             NEXT
                                       

                                



20th december 1974. We  were told by the grandmother that we were going away for christmas. Two days later we boarded a train and within a few short hours arrived at a station in the South of Wales. That woman "the mother" collected us from the station,- it was the first time she had been seen since literally dumping the host child on the grandmothers' doorstep a few years earlier.
Their farm was exactly as it had been it with the exception of a new extention built on the back. "Our" poky little room had been replaced by a much large,cleaner and airier room. There was just a single bed in there so we had to share with the grandmother.The main difference was to the actual family. They had another child, a girl who had been born less than two years earlier.

The host child had no memories of that farm house, which was to be expected though as she had spent so very little time actually present during the five weeks we spent there. Despite her lack of memory there was a great deal of tension from us which in turn passed to the host child. Due to this tension she refused to leave the grandmothers side even when she used the bathroom.
On christmas eve 1974 the mother and her husband decided that they would go out for the evening, leaving the grandmother to babysit. Their two eldest children behaved monstrously the whole of the evening. They continually picked on the host child, pinching her visciously and refusing to do anything that the grandmother asked of them.  Jade and fera started a fight with the older two children but we were able to get them under control before it became a problem. Finally just prior to midnight they succumbed to sleep and the house went silent. Not for long though.

Shortly after midnight the mother and her husband returned to the farm. They were both obviously drunk, him espesially. They were barely through the door when the arguing started. Their argument continued and  they began to throw things at each other untilthe floor was littered with broken glass and crockery. The grandmother tried talking to them but they were far too drunk to listen to her so in desperation the grandmother told the host child to dial 999 and ask for the police to come out.
By this time the anxiety had reached fever pitch inside of us and nobody had the courage to make the phone call until tash emerged. Tash at 9 years of age was slightly older than the host child. She emerged quietly and calmly knowing exactly what she had to do. She picked up the phone and dialled the number.
Within a short while a police car pulled up outside the farm. The grandmother let them in and they went through to the kitchen to talk with the mother and her husband. By now the host child was extremely agitated and just wanted to go home. We pleaded with the police officers to take us back to the station but they said that it wasn't possible on account of it being christmas day. Tash took over and continued the pleading but they still refused so tash in her wisdom decided to attack one of the officers and bit him on the arm! Everybody was astounded by what she had done but thankfully being a child she hadn't done any lasting damage to the officer.

The officers talked in length with the mother and her husband who had eventually calmed down, and made them promise that we could leave at the earliest opportunity. After they left the house it was almost 2am on christmas day, surprisingly enough we had lost the christmassy feeling. There was no sleep that night and we simply refused to settle down. Just a few short hours later we heard the mother's three children shouting about it being christmas day. We sat and watched them opening all of their gifts. As  we'd travelled by train the grandmother had left our main gifts behind with the promise of a second christmas when we returned home. We had a few small presents to open including the one that the mother and her family had given us. Their gift to us that year was a multi coloured jumper that bought us out in a rash!
Later that afternoon the mothers husband took us out to one of the farm buildings, saying that there was a litter of puppies in there. He said that when they were old enough to leave their mother, we could have one to take home. We saw the puppies and they were simply adorable if i say so myself! The mother was a basset hound, father unknown. The pups were only a few days old and their eyes weren't even open, there were six in total.
He (the mothers husband) said that he needed to talk to the child about what had happened the previous night with the police officers. He said that the police officer who tash bit had given permission for the child to be punished by whatever means the mothers husband saw fit, and that if he didn't punish us then the police would return and take us to prison. He sat down on some bales of hay that were stacked up in the corner of the building and pulled the host child down onto his knee.

The mothers husband then proceeded to unzip his trousers and told the host child to take his (penis) into her hands. Obviously the host child disappeared at this point, none of the others wanted to do it and so orfan arrived. This time he did not attempt to penetrate the body, he instead forced orfan into performing oral sex. After the deed was done he went outside the building and returned a few seconds later carrying a bucket of water. He asked the child if she liked the puppies? "Yes" Did she want one ? "yes"  He told her to pick which one she would like ( This i might add caused a few arguments within  because none of us could agree to a single puppy). Eventually tash made the choice and was told to bring the pup over to him. He took the puppy out of our hands then calmly dropped it into the bucket of water and drowned it. Simple as that! He made us fetch him all the other puppies and he drowned them all with the exception of one. The surviving pup we later found out was kept by the mother. We should have realised it was a sign of things to come.
Eventually we returned home and hoped that it was the last time we had to see those people. This was not the case and what we had experienced up to that time was minor compared to what was to come.
During 1975 we started to misbehave badly with the exception of Kayleigh and the younger ones. We would rarely attend school, choosing instead to hide out in the marl hole. Some days we even persuaded our friend Andrew to skip school with us. On those days tash would usually take the lead and because we had become accustomed to " doing things" for the opposite sex it was inevitable that Andrew would get dragged into our sordid lifestyle. Tash would insist that we  took all our clothes off and she would perform 'oral' sex on Andrew and then "show" him where he had to put his 'willy'.
Also during that year tash, j and the host child became fixated with dolls 'private parts'. All of our dolls got mutilated with knives and we would insert objects into them. The grandmother witnessed this but made no other comment other than to tell us off for damaging our toys.

During the school summer holidays  we began to "hang out" with a group of the boys from school. Ironically several of these  boys were the bullying culprits but for some unknown reason they had decided on a truce that summer. The favorite haunting ground that year was in a local junk yard which was on ground that used to be the old railway through our local town. We had incredible fun days down there, building our "den" and having picnics, playing games, hiding from people then jumping out on them. The good old days of being a child!
About a week into the holidays an older "boy" started to hang around our den. His name was Ian and we believed he was in his late teens/ early twenties ( to us that was OLD!) He was actually quite useful to have around because he helped us with the heavier tasks required to complete our den ie putting a roof on it. Quite soon he became a regular and would turn up daily armed with sweets, chocolate and fizzy pop - Absolute heaven for us children!

On a saturday afternoon in early August 1975 a further two personalities emerged ~ niesha and keera both 8 years old.  Keera was and still is the innocent child who wants to be loved. All she has ever wanted in life is "huggles" ( Hugs and cuddles). Keera arrived totally besotted with animals and her biggest wish was to see a real life horse. That was why the events of that day happened.
The majority of us adored animals both great and small and we were continually turning up at home with supposedly lost or stray dogs and cats. Ian had mentioned that he owned a couple of horses and to be perfectly honest we were all quite eager to see a real horse up close. We had only ever seen horse in picture books or on the television. On that particular saturday afternoon it was arranged that Ian would take us to see his horses.

Something didn't feel right that day espesially after Ian insisted that the boys all went home.They weren't really that bothered about seeing horses anyway but had said they would wait for us to get back. At around 12.15pm that afternoon we were left alone with Ian. The host child and keera were both so excited and this excitement in turn affected all of us within so despite my misgivings common sense did not prevail that afternoon.
We set off along the old disused train line heading out of town, the track was overgrown with weeds and it was difficult to see where we were walking. Needless to say we took a few tumbles along the way.  The track eventually ended and in its place was a gravel track with bushes on either side. A short distance along Ian said that we needed to cut through the bushes to get to the field where his horses were. As we ducked through the bushes Ians manner changed and he became quite sharp with us. He told us to sit down on the grass verge and handed us a  pop bottle so that we could have a drink. He took off his coat then sat down next to us on the grass. After a few minutes of idle chattering he suddenly said that he had a really good game he wanted to play with us but it meant that we had to lie down and be quiet as mice. We did as he said!

His heavy coat was placed over our face and then we felt his hands moving up our legs. At this point the host child was starting to panic which was when niesha came into being. She arrived so abruptly that it took us all by surprise ( usually the emergence of another personality occured without us realising until after the event). Ian was fondling the body, kept muttering how sweet and nice it felt. niesha was and still is the child who only wants to please, she didn't fight, she didn't struggle, she simply allowed Ian to do what he wanted to the body. Although we inners could no longer 'see' what was happening we could hear everything and feel it to some extent. He pulled down our pants and trousers then he was lying across the body. Suddenly we felt something down below, something hard ( which we now of course realise was his manhood). He was trying to penetrate the body but we felt nothing. The host child had totally shut off at that point and those of us who were aware of what was happening do not have the capability of "feeling" physical pain. After a couple of failed attempts Ian  gave up and simply ejaculated over our stomach. Over and done with, he had relieved himself, played his little "game", we had served our purpose.
There never were any horses. They did not exist. Keera was espesially distraught but despite her first experience with people she has never lost the ability to trust and believe others.
Afterwards he took his coat back and put it on, he dragged out an old hankerchief from his pocket and threw it down to us to "wipe ourselves off". He walked us back to the junk yard and just before we reached the gateway out onto the road he picked up an old glass bottle that was lying on the ground. He smashed the bottle and held the broken piece to his wrist ~ His words were " NEVER tell anyone what we have just done or I will cut my wrists and tell the police that you did it. God was watching and he knows the truth"  Yes you've guessed it ~ we believed him. In hindsight it was obviously impossible for a small child to harm a grown man in that way but we believed what he said. We stayed loyal to him and didn't breathe a word of it for almost 30 years.

We had always loved going to sunday school but after that incident it was never the same.We began to fear the church simply because we could not forget what Ian had done and said. We feared that God would punish us if we thought about what had happened, we feared that one of us would slip up and say something about it. It was then that Hope emerged aged 8. Hope loved the church and it was she who would attend each sunday, it was hope that said the prayers, listened to the Godly stories. The host child and the rest of us stayed away.

Over the next few months we went even more "off the rails" with the help of tash and a few others. We refused to listen and obey the grandmother, stayed out until the early hours of the morning, hung out with older girls, started to smoke and spent very little time in school. There were many arguments with the grandmother and a lot of foul language was being used by tash who had picked it up from the older girls. The grandmother tried everything she could think of to make us 'change'. She would even lock us out of the house and make us sit on the step until the early hours of the morning as punishment for staying out so late ~ all to no avail. Things went from bad to worse.


Life changed drastically for us in December of 1975, almost a year to the day since that fateful christmas holiday in Wales. That day will remain imprinted in our minds forever. We were sitting in the school canteen having our lunch - fishfingers and chips followed by chocolate pudding and mint custard. The chocolate pudding was delicious but can't really describe it as a pudding, it was more a chocolate brick - It was that hard we had to use a fork to break a piece off but it was well worth it!
We were called out of the canteen by the headmaster - nothing new because we had over the last year had countless run ins with the teachers on account of our poor attendance and tash,fera and Jade's loud outbursts. This time was different though. We were taken into his office and the mother was waiting there for us. She said that we were going on holiday again, to stay with them. Promised that things would be different from the previous year. The headmaster said we were really lucky to be going away for christmas - LUCKY? I don't think so.
The mother said that we would be meeting up with the grandmother back at our house, that she was coming with us. As we walked down the entry which ran alongside the street where we lived  the mother suddenly took off hold of our arm and held tightly and when the child tried to run to the house she kept a firm grip on us. Her reason? She said that she had meant to say we were actually meeting the grandmother at the train station.

We arrived at the station just as the train was pulling in and there was no sign of the grandmother. The host child began to cry which infuriated the mother. She grabbed our arm and literally dragged us onto the train. At this point tash took over and started to kick, scream and curse the mother. She dragged us along until she found some empty seats, pushed us down onto the seat and then demanded that we stop whining and screaming. Tash refused to obey and continued the screaming until the mother slapped her hard across the face. The mother then said that we would never live with the grandmother again, that we were going to be living with her family from there on in. It was when that she revealed  she was  the first born childs' birth mother and that the woman we had grown up believing to be "mum" was infact the grandmother.
There was a great deal of sadness and fear within us that day. The host child was fearful of what was going to happen, she missed her "mum" (grandmother) and she certainly did not understand what was going on ~ none of us did and the mother was in no hurry to explain.

Several hours later we arrived at the same station we had travelled to the previous year. The mothers husband was there to "greet" us along with their three children. The journey to their home seemed to go on forever. We were travelling along narrow dark lanes for miles. Eventually he pulled up outside a small farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. It was a different farm from the one we had been to the previous year, far more isolated with no other properties in view.
Our "room" was to be a small caravan that they had place behind the house. The farmhouse did not have sufficient room for another bed. There was no back door to the property so we had to go through the front door and walk around the house to our "room".( He later knocked out a rear window and replaced it with a doorway and built a passageway between the house and caravan)  The caravan was the dingiest thing we had ever seen, it was grubby and had a strong smell of stale urine. It was a horrible place but it was all we had for those first few weeks.
The spitefulness from the other children started within hours of us arriving there. The first thing that had to go was our long hair. Their eldest daughter was most aggrieved that our hair was longer than hers so the mothers husband took the scissors to it. By the time he had finished our hair was shorter than their sons' hair.

The next few weeks were a blur. Myself and caitlin found it difficult to remain focused on what was happening, the host child had "shut" down again  and all the others inside were extremely agitated. Within the space of two weeks a further twenty one personalites emerged, including jake, kyal, josh, jez, jem,ruth,cheri and orfan 2. Many of these personalities have never seen the light of day since. They simply emerged to deal with one hour, several hours, an afternoon or a day. The majority of them have never been named, they simply exist.
After the christmas holiday had passed we were enroled in the nearest primary school which their two eldest children attended. The school was approximately ten miles away from the farm and there was special transport provided through the school.From the outset there were problems, we simply did not "fit in". We struggled to understand what people were saying because they all had broad welsh accents and we got into bother on numerous occasions simply because we had not understood what the teachers had asked us to do.
One particular incident stands out clearly. We had only been at the school for about a week when we were humiliated  in front of the whole class simply because we could not do "joined up writing". It wasn't something we had been taught as at our school we didn't begin joined up writing until the following year. Obviously that school was more advanced than the one we had attended back at home. It didn't take kayleigh long to master the art of joined up writing and it was she who attended school for the next few weeks until things were more settled.
At the end of January 1976 we were driven back to England by the mother and her husband. Their three children remained with a neighbouring farmer. The sole purpose of that trip was to go to a solicitors where they had our surname changed by deed poll to the mothers husbands surname. Within a matter of weeks we had lost everything that was solid and real to us. We lost "mum", our friends, our school, our pets, our home and finally we lost our identity. We were no longer our own person, we belonged to him.