DID Hidden voices within

                                                       
i always knew from the start that i was one of many but never quite understood why.~ still don't if i'm truthful. My first memory was the hospital where we'd had an operation on the stomach.It was really quite painful and the nurses were about to give us injections.They were sticking a big needle in to the arm then they put a syringe on it and injected something into us.The next thing i know we were waking up in a side room off the ward and the man who i quickly recognised as the father was sitting beside the bed.How did i know who he was? Anyway he saw us wake up and said he was glad that we had. Said we'd been real sick from the medicine the nurses had given us and we'd nearly died. ( Wish we had) The nurse came into the room and said we were on the mend. Soon after the needles were taken out of our arms.
The father was sitting at the side of the bed nearest the window, where anyone coming into the room couldn't see where his hands were. He'd got them under the cover and was stroking us down below.He started saying all these gross things like how he had missed his good little f***. Said his wife (the mother) wasn't near as good,she'd given birth to 4 kids and it had made her slack. Said we were good and tight which made him feel good. Gross,Gross, Gross!!!! i didn't understand why he was saying these things, didn't even understand half what he was saying. What i did know was that what he was saying was wrong.Everything was just so dam confusing.
We hadn't had solid food for days while we'd been unconscious and the nurses kept saying we had to eat to get the strength back so we could go 'home'.i just knew it was dangerous to go back 'home' and really didn't want us to go. So i refused all the food they gave us,not that we could eat anyhow because we just felt sick to the stomach just thinking of putting food in the mouth. They ended up putting a tube in our nose and feeding us that way for a few days.After about 10 days since i got there we were allowed back home.It turned out the reason we had been so ill was because they had given us penicillian and we got a really bad allergic reaction to it and nearly died. The father said they had given us a 40/60 chance of pulling through it. Wished it did kill us off then we wouldn't have to live with all this now.
It was the father who fetched us from the hospital. In all the time we were in the hospital the mother only visited a couple of times. i already hated her without knowing anything else about her other than the bit that the twins and leah had told me.When we got back to the farm we were allowed to go lie down for a short while until milking time After the milking was done and all the cattle were fed and put away for the night, he took us to the barn and the twins told me what i had to do. He had sex with us and was really rough, said he'd missed us so much.He was that rough the wound on the stomach opened up a bit and it was bleeding.He told us to say that we had tried to pick up a bucket of cattle feed and must have pulled at the scar.We had to go back up to the hospital where they put a couple more stitches in.The original stitches had been removed just before we left the hospital.
We had felt safe in the hospital and i remembered what the nurses had said about not eating so i thought that if i starved the body we would be safe in hospital again.i quickly learned the easiest way to get rid of food out the stomach was by sticking two fingers down the back of the throat and all the food would come back up quick smart.Once we got back to school we never ate the dinners, we saved the money instead because we had decided we were going to run away.
We weren't supposed to go back to school for about four weeks but we went back the following week.Unsure whether it was because the self wanted to go or whether they made us go.i liked it at school away from them, didn't much enjoy the writing lessons except for social studies, but i did love the PE. It wasn't just me who went to school,.we shared it amongst ourselves.shaylee jade loved Art so she always did that lesson, kayleigh did lots of the writing lessons and the boring maths, the self did some lessons and later when ella got here she really loved english and history.
My most favorite lesson PE i always made sure i was there for that. i especially loved to run on the cross country runs and insisted on doing a five mile run the week after we got back in school. Not a good idea though because half way round we felt ill and faint and because the teacher hadn't been too keen on us running she had decided to follow round in her car. We ended up having to go back with her in the car and it was SO embarrassing.
i quickly learnt the rules of the father and what was expected. Although the twins did a lot of the really gross stuff with him and his friends, i began to take over from them. Because we weren't eating we lost weight quite fast especially thanks to the running that i was doing at school plus all the work we had to do on the farm. Nobody really noticed we were losing weight because we were always wearing baggy clothes. The only ones who really noticed was the father and his so called friends.All he said was that we had become an uncomfortable f*** because the bones stuck into him.
A few months went by, same old routine,each day with him then weekends we were taken to Ivans. The twins and leah continued dealing with the weekends but over time i gradually took over. We had really lost a lot of weight and it was starting to affect us badly because we had no strength and kept going dizzy.i had been picked to represent the school cross country against another high school. When we got half way round i suddenly got really bad pains in the stomach, tried to ignore it and just ran round fast as i could.i actually beat my own record that day. Thought that the period was maybe starting and thats what the pain was and no way did i want to get caught out in the middle of a run.Got back into the school changing room and the pain was really bad by then.Had to sit down and let it pass.Felt really sticky and gross down below so stood up to go to the toilets and when we stood up there was blood on the bench and our shorts were soaked through.The teacher saw it and made us sit down because we got a really bad pain again, it was hurting so much i didnt know what i was doing or saying.
 After it eased off the teacher helped us to the toilets, helped clean up a bit then took us up to the sick room. The school nurse decided to call for an ambulance to take us to hospital.By the time we got there the pains were really bad again.Got told to undress and get onto the bed in a cubicle.It was really embarrassing because this doctor came in and was putting his fingers inside of us.SO GROSS! Had to stick it out though because it was what i did, still do ~ hospitally things.
Could hear the fathers voice outside talking with the doctor. Heard the word miscarriage mentioned ~oh shit~ then the mothers voice saying that we had been caught having sex with one of the lodgers on the farm! Said we were forever disappearing off the farm and being found hanging out with groups of older lads. ~ EXCUSE ME but the farm was like way out in the middle of nowhere ~ it took about 10 minutes to walk across the fields to the nearest neighbours farm.Dumbo me didn't say that out loud though. Just nodded yes when asked if it was right what the parents said. We were kept in hospital for 2 days that time and barely ate anything, not that anyone was bothered.Truth was the nurses were really quite mean to us, probably because of why we were there.
i can't write anymore tonight but will be back soon.

           

So the guy who we were supposedly caught in bed with was Ray and he was staying on the farm in a caravan during the summer to help out with haymaking and stuff.He was also one of THE men who went into that room at Ivans.A few weeks after the hospital stuff (when i first 'arrived') the mother went into town with her other 3 kids, we weren't allowed to go too often because according to the mother we couldn't be trusted.When she'd gone and all the work was done the father took us down to rays caravan and when we were inside the caravan he made us take off our clothes and sit on the bunk in the caravan. Him and ray sat on the opposite bunk and wanted me to start touching ourselves down below. i wouldn't do it because it was So gross but the more i refused the angrier he got, he got up and grabbed hold of the hand and made me do it. Said he would beat the f******* daylights out of us if i didn't do it.So i did it and it is just so so embarrassing to tell. i just stared at the curtains which had stripes on them. Red curtains with green and black stripes running through, 57 stripes to each curtain, i counted them over and over again. Anything to stop feeling and seeing what was happening. After about 10 minutes of doing that the father said look what you done to us, you need a good f*****g and we're all ready now. They made us stand up an then lean forward,the father went in us from behind and ray forced his p**** into our mouth. Horrible, Gross, Horrible. It was SO SO horrible and just writing it down makes me feel sick but i got to finish this because we want to tell what happened even though nothing will ever happen to him. They swopped over and the father come in the mouth and ray inside of us.Just wanted to die, Still want to die from the shame of it and because we let him, we let both of them do it so it was our fault right?
After they had finished they sat down and started to drink tea and talk about the fields that needed cutting ready for baling. i just ran out out of the caravan after i got the clothes back on and i threw up right outside the door. Tash got a thrashing for that.
A few days later i was sent down to the caravan to give ray a message.He said to go in which i did, stupid stupid dumbo me.Gave us half a mars bar he was just about to eat.He cut it with the same knife he'd peeled onions with and we could taste the onions really strong.It was horrid.Then he got real close and tried to grab hold of us, tried to put his hand down our trousers, i tried to get away but he was real strong then the weirdest thing happened. i couldn't feel his hands no more but i could still see him and thats when alana arrived. She was really mad, scary mad, shouting and screaming so i just went away and left her to it. Whatever happened caused a riot with the father because next thing ray is thrown off the farm and all his belongings were set fire to. That was the day referred to by the parents when we suffered the miscarriage.We knew nothing had happened but had to agree with what the father said.
Even though the father made that big show of throwing ray off the farm , he was still at that house on the weekends.

Since i arrived in the hospital we had hardly been eating anything so the weight was going off us real quick. We always wore baggy clothes so nobody would notice and i even had to miss out on my favorite lesson PE because we felt so ill all the time. Ended up having to write lines, i must not forget my PE kit. Think we must have written over 1000 lines in total. Energy levels were really low, we were tired all the time and kept getting dizzy if we moved too fast.The only one who noticed was the father and he just complained the bones stuck in him, said we were an uncomfortable f***, nothing to grab hold of. The chucking up i did every time any one of us ate anything.Eventually we ended up collapsing at school and again got taken to the hospital. We were kept in and put on a drip and another bloody nose tube in. i had to tell them we hadnt been eating but refused to say why,(not that they asked that many times), except that i wanted to be thin.While we in the hospital the doctor had suggested we saw a psychiatrist but the parents refused for that to happen.
After we got back to the farm the father was always calling us crazy, crazy, crazy.He said the hospital even thought it because they wanted to send us to a head doctor.Whenever we had to go out with him on weekends he would tell everybody that we were crazy and their 3 kids started calling us crazy too and if they got too close they would run off screaming that they might catch the craziness.They wouldn't take anything off us if we had held it, wouldn't stand too close, wouldn't sit near us or anything.
The father started to force us to eat. If i tried to refuse food he would literally shove it into our mouth and make us eat it.Weren't allowed to go to the bathroom without the father standing over us incase i chucked up.After a few weeks though he did get bored of it and just made us swear we would eat without him watching over us all the time. Yes daddy! Didn't though because we skipped meals at school, never ate before we went because there wasnt time after all the work had been done.When we had to eat at teatime i just always sneaked out and chucked up afterwards. If i did it in the bathroom we would wash our teeth and mouth out with bleach so nobody would know.
Christmas was an even harder time because we never received proper gifts, always something that was essential like school clothes and we still had to pay for them but not with money.That first christmas i was there  was really horrible and most of us hate christmas even now.He was at us more and more and we were being taken to that house more because he said "we were costing them too much money" plus their other 3 kids were getting loads of gifts and we had to pay the price for them as well.
We had to go everywhere with him, every time he went to visit one of his friends or his family we were dragged along and he always took great pleasure in calling us crazy." Here's the crazy child who needs a head shrink, Thank God she isn't mine" We took it in turns to go, sometimes the twins, sometimes me, sometimes leah but this one particular day just before christmas i ended up being there.He was going to Sols house and the twins alerted me about what to expect. When we arrived he sent me in first because he said he needed to get something from the car. When i walked in the kitchen both sol and ray were there and straight away i knew this what shaylee jade had warned me about was real. i had a crazy mad idea of turning and running but as i moved back towards the door the father came in. He belted us round the head and pushed us though to the living room.He was in the kitchen talking with them 2 for the longest of times then they came through and it started.i had to strip off and lie on the floor.Him and sol sat on the settee and watched while ray had sex with us then we had to go sit on fat sols knee so he could do it too.He was too damn unfit and fat to be able to anything else that sit there with his P**** sticking out. He ended up having his legs amputated and was really ill then died.
Hated it so much and just writing it makes me want to chuck up.i knew it was all so so wrong but was too afraid to do anything. He had said it enough times if we told anyone or ran then we would end up locked in a tiny room with bars on the windows and padlocks on the doors.Thats what he said that psychiatrist would have done because we were crazy. Even having to do all that shit was far better than being locked away like he said would happen.The father was So convincing that that would happen so we just shut up and did what we had to do.

They always made us go to church on sundays, said they believed in god and the mother always wears a gold cross round her neck yet they never went to church. The younger ones when they went they always thought that if they prayed hard enough things would stop but it never happened and when i got there i just didn't believe any of it.Sorry if it upsets anyone reading this but surely IF god exists then he would have helped us? No i really do not believe and thinks its all just a big load of poop.The only thing that worried most of us was the father had said that because we were so evil one day we would get struck down in the church and then everybody else in there would know we were evil little bitch sinners (the mothers words)The younger ones got real scared at that so refused to go to the church,hope who is 8 only went occasionally It was awkward when she went because she is so much younger and acted like it as well so kayleigh put a stop to her attending incase it caused problems. Me and alana went a few times but it was usually cc who went (christs child).She's 11 and acts more "grown up" when required.Hope and CC are the only 2 out of all of us who actually believe in the bible. They were the lucky ones who escaped all the bad stuff. Not many of us did.
Last year the self was invited to a christening  locally and it caused us so much stress. The self really freaked out in the church and christs child ended up  sitting through the christening.Most of us were really terrified of being "struck" down though especially as we had by then started to talk about our past.No way do we ever want to go inside a church again ever!!

One day when alana had been out and caused a major argument with the father, he got his double barrel shotgun, loaded it and put it into our hands.Told us if we hated him that much then shoot him. God i SO wanted to pull that trigger desperately. i very nearly did as well but then the self took over and dropped the gun.Silly bitch! If we had killed him we would have been out of prison by now and would probably have a much better life. The self didn't have the guts to do it but she wasn't letting any body else do it either. alana was absolutely livid when she found out and she went on a smashing rampage in the house.She broke a load of the mothers ornaments and plates.She slammed the front door of the house so hard that all the glass shattered and then she went outside and slashed the tyres on their car.She said it made her feel a whole lot better but of course we had to pay the price for alana's anger and tash took the beating as usual.

By the end of 1979 i had taken over completely from the twins. They didn't deal with the s*x except for on rare occasions when it got too much for me. Alana sometimes took my place but her being angry all the time made things worse so it was safer that she stayed away.

i made a few friends in the school that first year i was there.Mostly they were running partners from the cross country team. Trouble was i didn't know how to be friends if that makes sense? None of the others had passed that on to me and i found out why from the twins, because the father didn't allow us to have friends.The other big problem that year was the parents other daughter had started at our school.She always seemed to know where we were even in such a huge school.Every break time, lunch time she was lurking with her friends.Watching us and everything we did. When she saw me talking to a girl from the cross country team she told the father as soon as we got back that afternoon.It was weird really because we expected to get a beating but he didn't touch us.Instead he started asking about this girl, what her name was, was she pretty etc.He said perhaps we could invite her back to the farm one day so he could 'inspect' her. We knew what his inspections meant so that became another reason for us to avoid having or making any friends. The sick old bastard wanted some fresh blood.

One thing we noticed from early on was how differently he treated his own three kids.We would watch him all the time whenever he was hugging his own kids, watching to see what he did. It was always so different though, he was kind to them, gave them proper loving hugs,he never shouted at them and if they did something wrong we would get the blame.The parents always said that if one of the other kids did something wrong it was because we had influenced them. So it was even our fault when their three kids misbehaved.Pretty much everything was our fault.

The first six months of 1980 were the same old shit.S*x with him, s*x with the 'friends' of his, being called 'crazy' all the time, their three kids always bullying us blah de blah. In the february we found yet another dog wandering and even though we were scared of him finding the dog we took it back to the house.We named him Skip. We hid Skip in our caravan/bedroom and sneaked him food that we were supposed to eat. The mother had a big alsatian dog and it was in a kennel and run behind our caravan so we used to pinch some of its food for our dog.That dog of the mothers hated everyone except us. We could stroke him and put our hands in the kennel and he never growled once. The other three kids he hated because they used to throw stones at him and really wind the poor dog up.
Our Skip was 'found' about two weeks later but this time the father didn't make the dog mysteriously disappear. He hurt Skip badly and made us watch while he beat him. The father hit Skip in the eye and made him blind, then he tied rope around his neck and said he could stay but must always be tied up.We hated seeing him tied up and after a few days we saw the rope had cut into his neck and dug in. We ended up cutting the rope and making him run off, had to be mean and throw stones at him to make him go but we knew he couldn't stay. Its really sad just remembering it now because we hate to be mean to animals.Skip did go and we never saw him again.We hoped and hoped that someone nice had found him and looked after him for us.
The mothers alsatian had dug a hole under the run and kept snatching the chickens when they went near to him.His kennel was full of chicken bones.One day we got back from school and after the milking and other chores were done the father said he needed us to hold the alsatian while he fixed the run.That dog really hated the father so we had to go in and get him onto a lead then take him into the shed where the milking stuff was, the tank and all the pumps and stuff. It was right opposite the door of the house and as we were standing there the boy came out and started to torment the dog. We tried really hard to keep the dog calm, we held tight but because the dog got so wound up he turned on us and bit us really bad on the arm. Wished we'd let him go because he would have ripped the boy to pieces but we knew it would be our fault and we'd be punished.
The father beat the alsatian to stop it biting us. He went into the house to get his gun then made us walk the alsatian down to the bottom field. He shot the dog. The mother was so angry because we had got her dog killed.She didn't give a poo that we'd been bitten only that we had lost her dog for her. BITCH!
At the beginning of July that year the grandmother came to visit.The parents got her a small caravan and put it in the middle of the field opposite the house.They didnt want her too close to the farm! The first couple of nights we were allowed to sleep in there with her but we couldn't tell her anything that was going on, we were too scared. tash and the younger ones were really happy to see the granny but most of us didn't know her from Adam, all we knew was that once upon a time the self had lived with her.
The parents were really mean to the granny and wouldn't even take her into town when they went.She ended up having to pay loads on a taxi.
School broke up for the summer and the granny was supposed to be staying for a few more weeks.Saturday 19th started as normal but then alana caused a row, leah caused a row and then the self did something wrong so the father beat us really bad with the famous stick. The father and mother then went into town with their three kids leaving us locked out as usual. We went across to the granny and several of us pleaded with her to take us away and back to Staffs with her, She already had a taxi coming out to take her into town, because we were acting so hysterically and were covered in bruises she finally agreed to take us. The taxi arrived just after 11am and we went straight to the train station.Thankfully there was a train due soon and by just after midday we were leaving, hoo bloody ray!!
When we got back to Staffs the granny decided we should go and stop in a bed and breakfast rather than her house. That night she got sick and we thought it was our fault. She was sick all day on the sunday as well and on the monday morning decided to go the doctors. The doctor said she had a hernia and needed to go into hospital straight away. An ambulance picked her up from there. We went down to her house and went to the neighbours who tash and the younger ones knew form when they were growing up there. The self spoke to them and they offered for us to spend a few nights there until we knew what was happening with the granny.
At 7.25pm the self decided to go along to the phone box and ring the hospital to see how the granny was. Just as the hospital answered, the self asked if that was the right ward and then we heard the phone box door open and his voice " never mind if it's the right ward, this is your f****** father!". He yelled and grabbed hold of us, dragged us out to the car. alana and leah were really screaming at him, the self was scared to death and kept disappearing. He was screaming blue murder at us, calling us horrible names. Leah tried to jump out of the car but he had hold of us.
We were taken down to the local police station because the mother was there apparently reporting us missing.We were still screaming as he dragged us in there and then the police officer took us into a small room.They started asking questions and kept on saying how 'naughty' we were for running away.None of us dared say anything. Then ella was there. ella did all the talking after that and i just had to deal with the examination that the police doctor did. That was so gross. They made us lie there with our feet up in these stirrup things while the doctor pushed swabs inside of us and asked us all these questions.GROSS!!!!





                                                

                                     

i am 13 years old. i always always feel angry and want to smash things and scream and shout and punch the walls. i want to damage things including the self and the body but not other people except maybe the stupid so called parents.
The first thing i remember was this man trying to do stuff to the body. i knew his name and i knew that what he was trying to do was not good. charly was freaking out and didn't know what to do and then as if by magic i was there.
That idiot man was trying to get into our pants so i turned round and gave him a sharp kick and screamed holy poo at him.Then i got out of his caravan and legged it back up to the house. Weird how i knew where i was going but i guess we all must begin life with some knowledge of things that are essential like who the parents are, where we live and stuff like that.Anyway i sure was bloody angry and slammed into the house, smashing the glass in the door as i went oops.The mother was in the house and she yelled at me for breaking the door. i let rip and told her exactly what that bloody man who was living on their farm had tried to do. Told her that he had tried to r*pe us but she didn't even bat an eyelid, just said "yeah what ever you say, now get the hell out of the house because I am busy" so then the stupid man called father comes in and starts yelling about the broken glass.i just right on yell back at him and tell him what his friend down in the caravan tried to do.He stopped shouting at me then and went storming down to the caravan to see R, we followed at a distance because just being nosy i guess and then next thing is the father is throwing all R's stuff out of the caravan including R and then he sets fire to the whole lot. Everything, caravan as well.i knew it was all a big show.don't know why i knew until charly mentioned to me about R and the others. Its weird how we can just suddenly be here yet know so much isn't it? i think its something to with selective memories being passed to us, i think but not sure i read it some place.
i was always getting into trouble for my temper as was leah and then later abby. i never got beat though because our tash always always stood in for the beatings, said she'd taught herself real well not to feel anything at all. she said she was too afraid not to be there because if it was me then he'd probably have killed us because i would have just screamed at him and called him every bad word i could think of if he tried touching me with that blasted stick.Instead i just had to stand back and watch tash take the stick and we just suffered the bruises afterwards always always broke things that belonged to them like plates and stuff. Even scratched all down one side of their nice new car once oops. It makes me so so mad and i really do want to scream and kick him in his bits and tie him up to a lamp post by his bits.He had no right at all to do what he did, to let his sicko friends do what they did no right at all. i will have to shut up now before i get really mad.
Ok i calmed down a bit so thought i would come back and write some more. So anyway that was my first memory and it didnt take me too long to get used to what went on there at the farm of hell.
charly sort of filled me in on a few things especially about that room he used to take us to.It wasnt too long before i got my first introduction to it either.In fact the following weekend.The memories never leave me and it just makes me so angry thinking about it all but the memories will not stop. They go over and over and over inside my mind and i just get real angry and because of that i don't get time out very often,They worry incase i get mad at someone who doesn't deserve it.As if i would do that. There's only select people who deserve my rage and unfortunately none of the others will let me near to them plus some of them are dead now.
So the room.It was in Iv's house. More often than not it was one of the twins who sat in the car to the house and he would make us sit on the floor so we couldn't see where we were going and sometimes he would get us to lean over in his lap while he was driving and do that gross thing to him. In that room there was a huge big wooden table and on the legs was carved birds, there was also a big red settee and that was the only furniture in there. The curtains were red and black striped and the walls were whiter than white.i don't remember what the floor was like because to be true i never looked down.
The twins said they had been there often but since leah and charly had arrived they usually went instead and then of course yours truly got roped in literally. Iv always wore his big black god dress and there was also the father, R, J, S,and A who were always there. They would make us strip off and get onto the table.Sometimes they tied our hands and feet to the legs of the table with ropes. i always got into trouble because i would wriggle about trying to keep their filthy hands off the body. J was the one who always shaved us down below because he said it felt wrong for us to have hair down there.One time i was wriggling so much he cut us down below with the razor quite badly, said it was our fault for not keeping still.After that i learnt not to wriggle because it got things over with quicker. They always bought in baby rabbits and killed them then smeared the blood on us, then they would get on the table and do the s*x thing with us. Iv had this really big black hairy alsatian dog and it was always whining outside the door and scratching to come in.Most of the time they did let it in after a while and it would jump on the table and be going nuts licking the blood off of us. The day that J cut us with the blade the dog decided to bite us down there too and we were so sore for ages after. That used to happen a lot but we shared going there and doing what we had to do. Thats one good thing about being who we are, it means there isnt just one of us having to deal with all the sh*t. we get to share it so it doesn't over whelm us as much as it would if we were one and alone.
When charly and the self chickened out of pulling the trigger on him, that day he gave charly the gun god i was SO bloody mad and spitting angry. i smashed loads of the mothers ornaments, and plates and stuff. Called the mother a stupid bitch, told the father go f@@k himself. i just didn't care one bit but then when the stick came out tash refused to stand back and let me carry on. tash seems to think that if anybody else had stood up for the beatings then we;d be dead but that would have been so much better than having to live with all this crap.
i remember the night when the grandmother was taken into hospital and the b**tard father caught up with us.i called him every name in the frigging book that night.
Yes i am angry, real blood curdling angry but there isn't a blasted thing i can do about it. Nobody wants to listen to me or teach me how to get rid of the anger. Does that mean i am not important? Sometimes it  feels like that.
i can't write anymore now i am getting a headache because of the anger building up. Best go away and calm down a bit now
alana                                                                            

                                                      

July 21st 1981 Monday evening
Who am I?
i am ella aged 15 years. This is my part of our life story
 i hang my head in shame for what i allowed to happen.
Where did i come from? How did i come to be?
Why was it me who had to sit there? Sitting in that small room of the police station, questions, questions, questions.
Hearing him outside in the street below, whistling the tune that would soon become familiar.
They were saying what a "silly" girl she had been, running away from home simply because of a disagreement.
The bruises - What about the bruises from the beating? Living on a farm - prone to bruising - clumsy, clumsy girl. Always having minor accidents on the farm _ the mother said so!
Terrible thing to do - running off like that. Causing the parents so much worry!
It was time to speak out.
How did i know what had been happening? Where were the memories coming from? How many times did they need to hear it?
The father had been having s*x with the self for ?? years. How did i know? i wasn't there.
i had no emotional attachment to the words coming out of my mouth. Questions - how often? When? Where?
How did i know the answers? Where are the answers to my questions?
How often? On an almost daily basis, sometimes up to 3 times daily especially during weekends and school holidays
When and where? Anytime he decided, day or night. He would whistle and she would go. To the barn, the sheds, the fields - anywhere away from the family.
If he hadn't had his fill during the day then the nights were filled with dread. Waiting for the click of the lock on the door, his weight on the bed, the hand over the mouth.
Don't say a word - How can one utter a word with a grown mans hand firmly placed over ones mouth?
The whistling finally ceased outside around 11pm that evening yet the questioning continued well into the early hours.
Why was i not upset? Where were the tears? How can you talk about all this yet not show one ounce of emotion? How?
i did not arrive equipped with emotions.
The only reprieve from the questioning was during the physical examination. Male doctor, female and male officers all present in that room. The instruments laid out on a silver tray at the side of the examination table. Clothes off, gown on. Hop onto the table
i couldn't do it - couldn't have this stranger touching us in places where no one should be allowed to. i left and charly took over.
Finally shortly after 2am the duty social worker arrived. We were taken to H childrens home in Lichfield, Staffs. Placed in a room with 3 other girls, 2 of whom were pregnant.
The social worker left after stating that we would remain there for a few days until arrangements had been made to transfer us back to Wales. i do not remember a great deal of the time spent in that home. i had done what was needed of me. i had answered the questions.
On the thursday morning 2 social workers arrived to return us to Wales. We were to be taken half way by them and were being met by another social worker who would take us to a children's home in Carms. We were by Mr LJ and his female colleague Sue.
Arrived at the home some hours later. LJ was to be our social worker. More and more questions. Going over everything again.
Why so many questions? Did they not believe? Were they trying to catch us out?
By then they had details of the miscarriage a couple of years earlier. The mother had said that the self was caught having s*x with the lodger on the farm.Apparantly she was also spending hours hanging around with older boys? According to the mother. The self was a promiscuous child and totally out of control according to her.
This was all news to me - i had not got the memories of that, only of the s*xual acts performed by the father.i later learned that my memories were passed to me by tash, the twins and charly.
The father had been questioned, kept overnight in the cells then released on bail. He had been ordered out of the family home and was only allowed to return to the farm during school hours whilst their other 3 children were in school. Their 3 children were questioned but there was no evidence of anything being done to them. The father was allowed to return to the farm.
LJ left with a promise to return in a few days time. We settled into the homes routine and made friends with the other children there. i don't hold a great deal of memory from the time in that children's home either as most of the others were eager to experience "safe living" and were excited to be treated like normal kids for a while. i did enjoy being a teenager, listening to music, experimenting with make up etc.
LJ came back. He said that the case would go to court. Could i cope with that? Was i strong enough? Brave enough?
YES, YES ! i knew it had to be done. i knew the father had done wrong and needed to be punished even though at the time i did not fully understand the extent of the damage caused to the self and the others.
The selfs' 15th birthday arrived, the home held a small party and afterwards we were taken to the local beach by LJ and his colleague.
Shortly after we received a phone call, the "sister" had been knocked down by a car. It was our fault for causing all these problems, by telling lies about the father. The parents blamed us
Some weeks later LJ turned up for a meeting with us.He informed us that the case was to be dropped with no charges against the father. Said that because it had transpired that the father was in fact our "step" father the charges of incest would not hold up in court. The police had investigated but decided there were no charges to be made.
We were to be returned to them!
Panic set in. We were filled with an intense fear and the self shut down completely. i knew it was up to me to try and prevent the return from happening. i made some terrible mistakes along the way. i begged the social worker to stop it happening and even went as far as offering s*x in exchange for our freedom.He ignored my offer and it was never mentioned again but i am convinced that he too believed what the mother had said about the self being a promiscuous child. For a couple of weeks i tried everything to escape going back there. i slashed the wrists, took an overdose, cut the arms ran away from the home several times - all to no avail.
The return to the farm was getting closer by the day.,
One of the lads in the home knew how desperate we were to get away, promised he would help provided we had s*x with him. Said he knew where we could go, that we would be safe there. We ran away together but within 48 hours were found and returned to the home.
The parents started to visit 3 times a week, initially their visits were supervised by a member of staff, then we were allowed to be alone with them.This progressed rapidly to days back at the farm, then weekend stays and finally on the 5th of November we were returned full time to the family.
The father had bought us a caravan and set it up at the side of the house "for our privacy" he said! The social worker was impressed. It had a lock and key and everything we needed to live comfortably.The parents were to give us £10 a week for food and other essentials.
The caravan was to be our home. It soon became our Hell.
In less than 24 hours of being returned i  finally understood. He came into the caravan late that night. He had taken our key off us because he said that we did not "need" it. His hand went over the mouth before i had a chance to react. Don't you dare scream or shout- How? when i was rigid with fear?
One of the first things he did was shave the p*bic hair, i never did fully understand his reasoning for that. That night he had full s*x despite the body not being willing. There was so much pain but i did nothing to stop him. i instinctively knew that to argue or refuse would result in far more hurt being caused to the body.
This soon became a regular occurrence and during the first few weeks when things became too much for me to tolerate one of the others would stand in. The mother made it clear that she had not wanted us back there.She said we had tried to destroy her family by making those "false" accusations" against the father. She refused to listen to anything we had to say. ( i recently discovered that she had known all along what he was doing from the very early days, yet she did nothing)
LJ visited the farm twice over the next couple of weeks but we could not say what was happening. Fear kept us quiet and besides nobody believed us the first time we told so chances are nobody would believe us anyway. We simply smiled and said we were just fine.
i hold the guilt to this day because i should have said something, should have made them listen but the fear of not being believed held me back. In hindsight the fact that the father was once again having s*x with us surely the hospital or police would have been able to take samples to prove it. We didn't think of that possibility though.
LJ would phone on a weekly basis to speak to us after his initial two visits. The farm was a long way out of town so it was easier for him to use the telephone! Each time he rang we would talk to him whilst the father stood over us with a stick ready to beat us if we said anything wrong. That stick hurt badly when it struck the body. we stayed silent.
A few weeks later he started to bring whisky into the caravan, he was annoyed that the body would not respond to him, said the whisky would help "loosen" us up. It was the most appalling liquid to drink but it did actually help. It helped us to blank out what he was doing. With the whisky inside of us there was no pain. The body responded for him and i was totally unbothered about what he was doing. Simply let him get on with it.
The downside to those months at the farm was the sudden appearance of abby.She arrived in a flurry of rage after an argument with the father. During her first appearance she totally trashed the caravan, breaking everything she could.Glass,wood, windows, the lot.
The father went insane when he saw the damage and it was our tash who stood in for the beating that followed.
We wished so hard that he had killed us that day, the body hurt all over. It hurt to sit, to stand, even to lie down. Nothing eased the pain.
During those months after returning , the self did not return at all. She had shut down completely following the decision by social services to return us to the farm. Did anybody notice? Did he notice anything different? If he did nothing was ever said.
Whilst we were in the care home we had been attending a different high school but returned to the usual one in the December.
Comments were made by the teachers, they were suitably impressed towards the "new" attitude towards school in general.
i enjoyed school immensely.Not only because it gave us an escape from the hands of the father but also because i thrived on the learning. i couldn't get enough of the education.
School work was not allowed on the farm as we had too many responsibilities, It was our job to milk the dairy her before and after school. School work was unimportant to the father.
The bonus of living on such an isolated farm was the lengthy journey to and from school. There was special transport set up by a local mini bus company who would collect and return all the neighbouring farm children. The journey often took 40 minutes or longer so during that time i would study, do any home work that was required. It was i who finished the school year, sat the exams and managed to gain 7 CSE's. How did i do it? Yet another of those unanswerable questions.
The one light on the horizon was that shortly after we were returned the parents put the farm up for sale. It sold very quickly to a neighbouring farmers son. Therefore in the February of 1982 we were moved to a smallholding much closer to the town. No more dairy farm, no more having to work before and after school, no more constantly smelling of cattle. They did not however change the rules with regards to school work.They started to rear beef cattle and there were still chores to be done.
Our caravan was placed alongside the house and was sheltered by trees. It was out of direct sight of the house and also invisible to passers by on the road outside. Nothing changed. He was still in and out of the caravan. Still plying us with alcohol, still demanding s*x at every opportunity.
Abby quite often made an appearance and caused no end of problems due to her volatile nature. She always has been and still is today extremely volatile although in later years she has managed to control her rage somewhat. i do fear though that she is always bubbling away below  the surface though. Whenever abby presented she would do or say something that would result in a beating. tash was the one who dealt with the beatings.
abby along with nicki would often appear around the ex boyfriend which was blessing before he moved in because guaranteed after having words with either abby or nicki he would disappear for several days in order to make the self "suffer".
During the March of 1982 things began to change quite drastically. We were no longer allowed inside their house (not that we ever spent a great time in there, choosing instead to favor our own company).The mother became more verbally abusive towards us and was continually running us down with her words. The father even moved the caravan away from the house - she didn't want us that close! It changed nothing with him though.He continued his s*xual activities although they did gradually lessen over the following weeks.
In the April we were told that as soon as school finished in July we could leave. i couldn't believe that he was letting us go and was convinced there had to be a catch. He did say that we were officially still under the care of social services (this turned out to be a lie). He said that if they discovered we had left there was every chance we could end up back in care until we reached 18. He said that he would not inform them provided he did not hear of us causing any problems.We were moving back to where the self had grown up, 200 miles away, back to the maternal grandmother.
During the June and early July of that year the s*x became harder to tolerate. abby making increasingly more appearances as did some of the younger ones. He seemed intent on causing the body as much pain as possible without actually killing us.
i threw myself into the school work, studied as much as was permitted. Anything to shut out the constant pain at the hands of the father.
We ate as little as possible, choosing instead to save the money for when we escaped. He continued to ply us with alcohol , by which time i realised with dismay that we had become dependant on it. We were unable to perform for him unless the alcohol was in our system.
The last couple of weeks were extremely hard, he would take the body at every opportunity and i feared there was a child forming inside of us. he did notice the absence of the monthly period but i used the stress of school exams as an excuse.
Finally!!!
School was out. We were getting away from that hellish life with the father and his family. The day after school broke up we were heading for the train station. Bag in hand and a couple of hundred pounds in our pocket.We had managed to save a small amount and also the father had given us £100 for the grandmother.To cover our costs until we were able to get a job.
It was the father who drove us to the hospital and he told us that someone would be watching us at all times.Step out of line and we'd be back in care before we had a chance to blink. Once the 16th birthday came round in a couple of weeks he said he didn't give a f*** what we did
The first thing i had to do was arrange an abortion, this was done a few days after the 16th birthday, no questions asked.
The next few weeks passed in blur. the money quickly disappeared as we were needing more and more alcohol just to get through each day.  i enrolled us at the local college on a Work experience scheme which gave us a small amount of money each week to live on. This wasn't sufficient for our needs though. We needed some other way to get money in order to buy the alcohol that was needed.
It was alana who came up with the idea of us earning money doing what we had tried so hard to get away from for so many years. She had seen something on the TV about an area close by where women touted for business. It seemed logical at the time, after all we were well educated by the father on the finer details of how to pleasure the opposite gender. The only problem was who would do it?
The self had resurfaced by then but she had not been able to stay present through a great deal of the s*x with the father and others, so there was no chance she would handle doing it with a bunch of strangers. i did not have the nerve. The others were not mature enough.
Along came nicki, i stepped back and gave her the leading reins.

Over the next 10 years or so i made occasional appearances intent on dying. i took overdoses along with several of the others, we threw ourselves from the top of a multi storey car park which resulted in broken bones, slashed the wrists again all to no avail.
i am an habitual cutter, The main reason that i cut is to try and release some of  the intense guilt and shame i hold inside.
That about completes my part in this whole sorry life. During the years since i have not been involved a great deal in the day to day living although whenever possible i will snatch an hour or so to do some reading. i can read a book within a couple of days if given the chance.
i am continually haunted by the memories and hold a great deal of guilt for not doing more to prevent us being returned to the farm. i am also filled with intense guilt and shame over what i did and what i allowed to happen, for allowing it to continue. Although logically i know that we did not have any chance of escaping until such time he allowed us to, it doesn't help to ease the guilt that i feel.
i have recently learned through some of the younger ones that there was so much more that happened prior to my emergence, so therefore  i suppose you could say i got off lightly.
Thank you for hearing me
ella




                                                                                                                                    

I suppose that i should introduce myself seeing as everybody else has. My name is abby and i am 15 years old. My first clear memory is of that man who called himself the 'father' screaming at ella. She couldn't or wouldn't answer him back so i did instead. i didn't even know why he was yelling but it made no difference to me, i just yelled straight on back at him.
When he left the caravan i spotted a hammer lying outside. i snatched it up and then i totally trashed the inside of the caravan. i broke all the doors on the cupboards, smashed the glass and mirrors, i just lashed out at everything. i didn't care at all that it was our property. In fact i didn't even view it as 'ours'. It was his and i wanted to trash him but somewhere inside i knew that i couldn't do that so instead i took it out on the caravan. It was bought and paid for with HIS money so it was his property!
i feel SO angry all of the time that it physically hurts inside of me. Its like there is an unexploded bomb ticking away just waiting for a slip up. I fear my anger greatly but am trying very hard to keep it hidden from the outside world.i got us into terrible trouble all the time when we lived with them stupid parents because i never stopped being angry and most of the time i got forced back inside or else he would probably have killed us but you know what?  Sometimes i really wish he had killed us because living this life is sh*t. My only release from the anger is throwing up or cutting. It seems to help take it away for a while especially the cutting. It feels such a relief seeing the blood flow and stops the pressure inside.Some of the others would and will disagree with me but it does help even if it is only for a short while. How else are we supposed to get rid of the anger and the hurt? We aren't allowed to express it so we have to find our own ways of coping with it don't we?
abby